Disappointment

January 20, 2009
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Disappointed. It is indeed an odd feeling. One hard to apply in words. I am experiencing this notion but it weighs down on me as an anchor dropped at sea. It is not pleasant and yet I am confronted with a barrier separating me from the solution to part from this emotion. It refuses to leave and yet I have told it to stop bothering me.

At school, during lunch, I chased it away. I told it to pack its bags and travel away far from me where there is no hope of return. When that was a clear failure, I tried again. I wrote this feeling down on a square piece of paper, placed down a few broad tears and ripped it up into confetti.

As I was on my way home, it bullied me. It beat up my brain to a point where I could not think straight anymore. It twisted my muscles so that I could not fight back. It choked me up to a point where I could no longer protest. Eventually, it swallowed me whole-did not leave a thing behind.

I was still there, my bones, my flesh, and my skin, but my soul was gone. Gone or at least invisible. I started to look for it. I was not being childish-I was not looking under the rug or in the basement- I was just searching for my inner self; the one who takes me bowling and helps a teacher when the necessity for help is present.

I could not bear it any longer. I had hours and hours to await the arrival of a salvation so I chose to sleep. Sleep does not allow me to think-that is the benefit of it. It sets the rest of my life on a brief hiatus but ready to resume work as soon as I wake up. As I lay troubled, my head’s weight supported by the headboard itself, my eyelids close down on me.

I see things differently now. I am face to face with disappointment. I stare at it with my own eyes. I frown in anger. I am upset. A feeling of hatred rises. Then I realize. I realize everything. Why such feeling is evoked. It all makes sense. I needed this. I needed to go trough this. To understand myself besides, this is just a stage; a feeling that is temporary.





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