I wish I was on drugs. This next thought would be more acceptable, more understanding to the public. If I say I want to die while I'm sober I'm considered to be selfish, wasting a precious life that others would love to live.  "Someone always has it worse." The saying goes. But to one's self it's hard to imagine there's worse out there.  When one thought or feeling is engraved into the brain it can cause the person to set forth a path of depression or anger, even self hatred. Death just seems like a peaceful solution. But there's people I'd miss so why not stick around? I know I'm going to use drugs tonight. I wonder how it will change me. I wonder if my perspective will change in the slightest or continue flowing on the path my gloomy and manipulative brain has already set for me.

Why do I feel such escape? The room is a blur. My body is buzzing, my vision is hazy. Nothing seems real. People are talking to me, touching me, but I don't hear or feel anything. If I feel the slightest hint of normality I'll pop another pill. I love this high.  My parents, my friends, all just tolerate me. They don't love me, all I want is to feel loved.  I hate the emptiness I feel.  These pills make me feel amazing. Uplifting me mentally and physically. Now I feel like I have some type of importance, like I should be alive.  I need one every day. Every single damn day. If I go a day without a pill I contemplate death every second, wishing something would end my life.  Anything to not exist.  For now I can keep popping them and feel a spark of life but what happens when these prescription drugs run out or I no longer have enough money to buy them?  Every night I seek the company of anyone. Anyone that will acknowledge my presence even if it's just for thirty minutes in a bedroom upstairs. Searching for love in pills an endless bodies. Why can't I feel love or the love of someone? Anyone.
My eyes are blood shot red.  Not from smoking but from the tears. The tears that don't want to seem to stop. I wish I was smoking, smoking out of anything. Just taking hits after hits until I'm messed up. Until I can't move and nothing else matters. I sound like a stoner but I promise you I'm not. I'm just a fan of what marijuana can do to someone, to the human spirit.  Ok maybe that sounds like some stoner philosophical saying but the point I'm trying to express is that I don't abuse it, instead treat it as a gift. I know it won't harm me like everything else in the world will. Tonight I could go for a smoke outside listening to chill music. Music really is a beautiful thing.  I feel people who are deaf are so wrongfully punished. What did they do to not be granted the right to listen to such sounds and melodies? It is truly a major part of life they will never be able to experience. No go to song for an emotion they are feeling.   I think music is the reason some people don't kill themselves. One song, one lyric they can relate too. It shows they aren't alone and other people face the same problems or the feeling can be overcome. Then again experts say some music is the reason people commit crimes or shoot up a school. Music can trigger violent  behavior. I call bullshit on that but who am I to say that, I have no credentials.

Everything relates back to music if you think about it. Most nights I stay up and I doubt myself. Doubt that I'm even a good person. It's like I want myself to be sad so when something bad happens I'm prepared for it.  I don't understand my emotions. Most of the time I don't care about anything, but then I see her and I know I do care about at least one thing. I could have depression. I could have a lot of thing. It doesn't matter what, we all die anyways.

People are always searching for something. I think that's why they try drugs. Drugs change your thoughts and actions.  A person in search of something or in search of a way to forget. Once those feelings and thoughts change or what was trying to be forgotten fades away what's left? Just an endless journey to that high. To that feeling. People always say trying one drug is a gateway to new and more 'dangerous' drugs. Weed turns to heroin I suppose with that logic. I feel it's just a gateway to new feelings or ideas. The drugs reach the brain and usually the thoughts produced are one's deepest thoughts. Thoughts are endless and the brain is just trying to process its person's purpose on the planet, as well as figure out their life and all aspects of it.   With drugs it's a roll of the dice so to speak. Either a person is calm 'chillin' and thinking good thoughts with good vibes, or on the other end just feeling miserable pulling themselves deeper and deeper into depression. Thinking of every little thing wrong themselves or over thinking a situation, an event that has happened in their life, thinking so negatively that all emotions come out. But this pain is good. This pain shows they are alive. Sometimes ones not even in control of themselves. It's as if they have no brain. No memory, it doesn't exist. It's like they're in a video game being controlled by someone else, not knowing what the next move will be. In elementary children are taught D.A.R.E (Dare to be Drug Free), ironically most of the kids who grew up together are either currently on drugs, know someone who is on drugs, or have at least tried them once.  Drugs are everywhere, easiest thing to get. People can get drugs faster than they can get a job in today's society.

"Drugs are fun."
"I'm Happy on drugs."
"I'm the best to be around when I'm high."
"Maybe he only loves me when I'm high."
"All my friends do this stuff so why not."
"What's one hit?"
"What's one pill?"
"He did drugs all his life and look at him, he turned out all right."
"Bill Gates smokes weed."
"I'm closer to God then you are."
"She's dead, I miss her, I don't want to feel this way."
"This high is all I ever need."

One hit. Ease the pain. Forget the bullshit and cope with the darkened past and the unclear future. Why not free your mind? Why not try drugs? Endless reasons right? Plus who doesn't want to be one of the cool kids.