My Depression & Suicide Thoughts

July 19, 2014
By Anonymous

From age 5-19 I have been severely. For years I have been walking with my head down, would not talk to anyone, and kept to myself. I did not want to tell anyone, scared of what people might say. I felt alone, hopeless, thinking to myself that I am on my own with no help. At home I would lock myself in my room with the blinds close, the door lock, and hide under my covers. I would cry all day and night. At school I would put on a mask and pretend that everything is fine.
Teachers would ask me after class, “Is everything OK?” I would just tell them, “Yeah, I’m fine.” And keep on walking. Back then I thought teachers would not understand how I truly felt on the inside. Same thing I felt about my parents. I figure if I ever told them this will be there responds. “That’s not going to solve anything. You’re over reacting; you’re not going to kill yourself.” So why bother if it’s going to lead that way.
For a few months everything was OK. I can say that it was pretty good. Then, one day I had someone come up to me, and said that I’m worthless. At first I really do not care what he had to say to me, but more people called me slow, dumb, retarded, and worthless. Those words did something inside of me. I felt like I was in a deep black hole. Calling “HELP! HELP! HELP! I could see civilians above the surface chatting away. Not even listening for the cry of help. So I stop trying to call for help. I saw myself in that hole. I was just standing there with my head down crying… crying my eyes out. I felt all hope is lost. So I decided that night that I was just going to end my life.
Around 12:00 pm everyone was sleep. I got out of bed, and head towards the kitchen. I open the draw, and pull out a knife. I stared at it for a moment. Then, I slow place the knife at my neck. I try to slice my throat open, but I couldn't. I took a deep breath and place the knife back at my neck. I try to move the knife but I couldn't. I open my eyes and threw the knife back into the drawer. Looking back I’m glad that I stop myself before I severely hurt myself. I told my friend Luis what happened. He was kind of stunned to hear of what I been going through, but he has been very supportive, and was willing to listen. I guess there are people out there that really do care about you. I guess you just have to be patient before the right one comes.


The author's comments:
What made me want to share my story because everyone goes through depression. Even have suicidal thoughts. I'm here to tell you to hang on. Life will get better. As long as you believe and have faith, and i hope you can learn from this and seek help. Someone is out there waiting to help you. As long as you are ready to take that first step to seek help.

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