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My Depression & Suicide Thoughts

By , Merriam, KS
From age 5-19 I have been severely. For years I have been walking with my head down, would not talk to anyone, and kept to myself. I did not want to tell anyone, scared of what people might say. I felt alone, hopeless, thinking to myself that I am on my own with no help. At home I would lock myself in my room with the blinds close, the door lock, and hide under my covers. I would cry all day and night. At school I would put on a mask and pretend that everything is fine.
Teachers would ask me after class, “Is everything OK?” I would just tell them, “Yeah, I’m fine.” And keep on walking. Back then I thought teachers would not understand how I truly felt on the inside. Same thing I felt about my parents. I figure if I ever told them this will be there responds. “That’s not going to solve anything. You’re over reacting; you’re not going to kill yourself.” So why bother if it’s going to lead that way.
For a few months everything was OK. I can say that it was pretty good. Then, one day I had someone come up to me, and said that I’m worthless. At first I really do not care what he had to say to me, but more people called me slow, dumb, retarded, and worthless. Those words did something inside of me. I felt like I was in a deep black hole. Calling “HELP! HELP! HELP! I could see civilians above the surface chatting away. Not even listening for the cry of help. So I stop trying to call for help. I saw myself in that hole. I was just standing there with my head down crying… crying my eyes out. I felt all hope is lost. So I decided that night that I was just going to end my life.
Around 12:00 pm everyone was sleep. I got out of bed, and head towards the kitchen. I open the draw, and pull out a knife. I stared at it for a moment. Then, I slow place the knife at my neck. I try to slice my throat open, but I couldn't. I took a deep breath and place the knife back at my neck. I try to move the knife but I couldn't. I open my eyes and threw the knife back into the drawer. Looking back I’m glad that I stop myself before I severely hurt myself. I told my friend Luis what happened. He was kind of stunned to hear of what I been going through, but he has been very supportive, and was willing to listen. I guess there are people out there that really do care about you. I guess you just have to be patient before the right one comes.



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