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Healing This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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It has been a year since the last time I did it, and I’m really proud of myself. I can barely remember how it started – what made me want to hurt myself. I had so many different feelings. Nobody wanted to listen. I didn’t know what to do, so I’d lock myself in my room.

The first time I did it was after my cousin died. It seemed like I would never get over it. That fact upset my father; he just didn’t understand, but my cousin was my best friend. The first cut was small, but the feelings were big. It is hard to explain – I felt like there was something wrong with me, so I should be the only one to deal with it. Instead of arguing and crying, I’d punish myself and hide the ­problem.

I liked doing it because it was so easy to do and then I could just put it away. It went from little scratches to long, deep slices. Sometimes I did it regularly, like a smoker, over stupid things, like a little fight with my boyfriend.

I was always scared that someone would find out. I thought nobody would understand. I always wore lots of bracelets and cover-up on my wrists. My mom cried when I eventually broke down and told her what I had done. I wanted help.

I was admitted to a hospital that night. Being an inpatient taught me a lot. I met other kids who were just like me, and I learned new ways to help myself. I felt so good when I got out, but then I thought about school. I didn’t go back for about a month, and I figured everybody knew. When I finally returned, nobody said a thing.

Now I know how to make myself happy. For the first time in a long while, I look forward to things. I started seeing a counselor which is the best form of help I’ve found. She knows how to help and wants to heal me. I could not have quit if it hadn’t been for her care and ­support.

I want to tell others who are like me that nobody is normal. It is hard to get help, but if you want it badly enough, you can get it. Even if you think nobody understands or wants to help, there are those who know exactly what you are going through. It will be hard, but it’s worth it. You can’t just hope that you will wake up happy one day. Believe in yourself and get support. Then you’ll be on the road to loving yourself.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.






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This article has 6 comments. Post your own now!

october34 said...
Jul. 22, 2011 at 11:56 pm
I started when I was rejected by my crush. whenever people asked me about it, I convinced them it was just cat scratches. I think I was trying to convince myself as well. Thank you.
 
Bethani said...
May 30, 2010 at 8:26 pm
I started for a similar reason. I understand how you feel. 
 
Shawna L. said...
Mar. 10, 2010 at 9:46 pm
thanks for posting that. I think alot of people feeling the same way! you are very brave for putting that up there!
 
Hay_Wire This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 25, 2009 at 7:15 am
thankyou.
 
wingedgirl4eva said...
Jan. 2, 2009 at 1:34 am
Oh my god your story ringed so true to me. One of my best friends attempted suicide last month, and she's been staying at the hospital ever since. I am so worried about her, and your story gives me hope that she'll eventually overcome her sadness and be her normal, happy, bubbly, outgoing self.
 
ER4eva said...
Oct. 30, 2008 at 11:52 pm
Hey, I REALLY liked your story. Your lucky that no one said a thing when you came back to school. A lot of times they do and teens who self-injure are put down. I know a lot of people who have self injured and they thought that no one could help. I told them about your article. I think someone needs to stand up about this, make it heard, maybe then more people would be accepting and want to help.
 
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