March 12, 2013
By , Chelsea, MA
There are times like tonight when I realize that recovery never ends. While attempting to read an article for an English class I have tomorrow, I was overwhelmed with sadness and a desire to die. Being clinically depressed is not something one can often control, and I realized this tonight. I am more frequently reminded that I will never fully recover from anorexia nervosa, when I catch myself looking at myself in the mirror, seized by the panic of thinking I am fat. I am not fat, I’m still quite thin. This doesn’t stop me from fretting over what I eat on a daily basis, or stressing that I didn’t exercise enough at the gym on a given day. I sit here tonight, trying my hardest to do my homework, but I cannot. I am sad from fighting with my boyfriend all day and sad because I don’t want to feel this way. It’s hard to be happy when the person you love puts you down. I don’t want to argue with him, and immediately after I feel regret for bringing our problems to light. My frustration is bubbling over at this point, and I want to cry and die and harm myself more than anything right now. I will not however. I will sit in my room, smoke a cigarette, put on music, talk to my roommate, and distract myself from my demons. Because that is what recovery is. Recovery is day to day.

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FaeNotMyName This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 19, 2013 at 2:45 pm
From someone who is also recovering from anorexia and self-harm, I applaud you for writing instead of engaging in self-destructive behaviors. Every day is a struggle, yes, but I hope it begins to get easier for you, because I do believe it must at some point. It will never be perfect, life won't be perfect, but that's how it is. Good luck and I support you.
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