How cancer changed me

January 5, 2013
Its late at night and I can’t stop crying. Its affecting me so badly. Even though it happened along time ago. I can’t get over the fact that the person who would always love me no matter what is gone .The fact that the best person on the world is not living on the world scares me. The fact that I don’t have a mom to play with my hair, take me to the reading terminal, watch movies with and fight with hurts so bad. Now my grandma who I live with has changed and acts all pushy and uptight. My little brother who’s was super loyal to my mom and who would cry if I killed a fly is getting having anger issues. My little crazy Wackamole of a sister as my mom would say is having huge temper tantrums and is crying a lot and complaining. And my asshole of a father John is giving us a hard time. I bet your wondering what it is. It is the day before mothers day in the year 2012 when Samantha or Sam Anne Mickey died of cancer. Actually it wasn’t cancer it was her heart failing but still it was started by the cancer. When I was five my parents divorced, it was right after my mom had Daisy my little sister. The reason my mom divorced was because my dad was well lets say hurting me and my brother behind my moms back. She felt so mad with her self. She became very sad but I did not know because my mom never showed she was sad about that. My mom was awesome she wasn’t girly she was not weird she was perfect. She always strived to help people even enemies. She was so caring and let me have fun but not dangerous stuff. She started cooking at age 5 so she of corse owned a restaurant, Sam’s Morning Glory diner. I loved my mom she went to modeling school but did not do it She was so pretty, funny and always knew what to say. Well when she got brain cancer she had to think sometimes for an hour of the right thing. My mom accepted life and just fought with it. Like she accepted life and did not sit and wish for something else she stood up and tried to change it if she wanted to. My mom also had a awesome name Samantha but she liked Sam Anne Mickey an her initials spell Sam! Well anyways after the divorce my mom made me see a therapist. I did not like it the way she took notes and always asked me questions. But then I started seeing a different one and she told my mom she might have cancer! I don’t know how she knew but she was right. My mom always had short blonde beautiful hair but when she got MRI’s all the time she lost her hair. She wore Bandana’s and that stuff. She kept working and kept her big girl panties on. I asked her how she dealt with having no hair and she told me just ignore it until someone calls you Sir. That happened to her a lot witch makes me sad and angry. Anyways she also told me the story of how her best friend who she shared all her recipes with stole them and started her own restaurant. I said why don’t you sue her and she said That the guilt will live with her forever. As the years went by my mom became very lazy. When I was 9 we moved into our grandparents huge house since they were lawyers. We had to see our dad still and it was torture. The medicine my mom was taking made her very hungry an tired. It was either that or death so yeah I see the choice. But my poor mom was always eating ice cream stopped working and watched TV like all day. Yeah she worked sometimes but not everyday. I started to grow apart from my mom. I did not understand the situation and never thought my mom would die. My mom and I stopped seeing therapists stopped having girl time and stopped loving each other as much. When I was 10 and 11 my moms medicine was making her brain work poorly and was making her be very mean to only me. She would yell at me for nothing and be very mean and I have no clue else what to say. She was getting very fat and I was pushing her trying to make her work out. When we went to florida over the break of 5th to 6th grade my mom only sat on the couch and ate chocolate. I was mad and frustrated because I started eating like her to. I told her to come Kayak with me and she said no get out of the way of the TV. I didn’t see her position and told her nasty things. We fought and I went out on my Kayak. We fought basically all the time and I felt like she hated me. She would get all happy for my kind loving caring brother and my evil sister then when it came to me blah. If I had a gift for her it ended up never being touched or moving. My brothers s*** was always appreciated.

The year 2012 was hard. I remember a little while before she died She could not make it down three or five steps. I got frustrated and tried to pull her and help her but no she sat there for hours. When my gramps finally got home they helped her. All she ever did was sleep so the night before the day before mothers day I got into a fight with her. She tried to make up with me but no I had to be a b****. Yeah then the next morning I wake up to see my grandma crying and told me to tell my mom I love her. I did but not that nice. She was laying on her hige bed making a weird noise and I felt really weird. I wanted to hug her and kiss her and tell her I loved her but they took me out. I waited until a ambulance came and took her. I ran outside and said I loved you but not loud enough. I went inside and decided to make something because I did not get her a gift for mothers day which was tomorrow. We waited and my grandma decided to go to the hospital. I was wondering why she was all sick. I was 12 so I thought it was the cancer but no it was from being tired of all the medicine and cancer and laying down with no activity ever. Well I heard the phone ring so I picked it up and my grandpa picked the other one up since I was downstairs and he was up. The words “it’s done” haunt me. I knew what they meant.

Mommy died.

I cry when I think about anything that we would do. I fell onto the floor screaming. My brother and sister clueless to what had happened because my brother was 10 and believed in Santa my sister was only 6. They asked me what was wrong my grandpa came down and saw the phone in my hand. I was screaming she was dead and that’s when my brother realized what had happened. We all cried and cried and cried. I ran into my room and fell on the floor. How could I have been so bitchy to her I should have just understood she was ill and I should have treated her kindly. For the next two weeks I skip school. For the whole summer break I cry hidden in my room. August 8th is her birthday. I cry and cry and cry. I think suicidal thoughts and other dumb actions. Then the jackass calls and demands by court order we see him. He takes us away for a week saying Sam’s dead so they are mine now! He leaves us with his rich snooty unlovable parents in New York. I just hate him and now we have to see him.

Well now it’s a year later and I still cry every night. My grandma’s mood is awful and she’s so b****y and stuff. She could only ever have one kid because of some operation and her one kid died. Its so sad. And I am acting bad to. My head hurts my moods are awful and I cry all the time. Yeah sure I am the class clown, the funny fat kid in the class, the reliable friend. The person who’s friends with everyone... even though I never shed a tear around others I hide away in my room and never sleep. My little sister sleeps naked in a bed by herself she’s almost 8 and my brother said he wants to kill John for what he said and did to my mom. My life’s really sad but I thought about my brothers friend and his sister who died before he was 9. She was 11. Well screw cancer. I think about how awful I was and how hard it was for my mom to put up with cancer. RIP Sam

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