When you dread wearing a bathing suit because while you don't think you're "fat" per say, anyone who has gone through a drastic weight and body image change feels this way; where you aren't used to not seeing your ribs or bones protruding out from your hips or inhaling and exhaling and seeing the flesh wander. You aren't used to seeing the new body in the mirror, whether fat turned skinny, skinny turned fat, skinny turned healthy, or skinny turned less skinny. You hate yourself for it, but it's how you feel and no one knows it's there because you eat normally and you exercise normally, but you still have that utter fear of, "What if someone comments?" "What if someone says one little thing about it and you just burst into tears, because you've been there before. You worry that someone will see your G-tube hole and you'll have to fight back the tears and just say in its most basic form, it was from a tube that was placed into your stomach for private reasons. It's a body. A body that is new and scary. A body that is still 15.9 BMI and 70 pounds at 16 years old. You haven't been there before. You were bony and now you lift up your shirt crying and looking in the mirror seeing a body that is completely out of your element. Your dad now calls you "a little tank" non-malevolently because he is not used to lifting up the added weight of 32 pounds in four years, nor is anyone else. Despite everything, the nurse doesn't know she scarred you every anal-retentive second that she had weighed you or every time she hushed to your Team about how thin you were. The teacher doesn't know how she was the reason you stormed off crying to the bathroom to let of some steam and try to puke up your food in the toilet. The doctors aren't paying attention to way you bite your quivering lip at your annual routine physical when your pediatrician brings up the G-tube. They don't know that they hurt you. They don't know that you hurt yourself mentally by accident and physically on purpose. They don't know that the redness on your arms isn't rosacea or a rash or the bites on your arm aren't from a spider or a boy or a fall Because Of This. They haven't gone through the psychological and physical implications of A Different Body the way you have. Your Malfunctions Are Not Pinpointed Towards A Disorder Because They Are You. You Eat Way More Than The Average Person But You Still Have Issues Underneath. It's not clear-cut anorexia or bulimia. It's a change disorder. A broken, tainted mind disorder.
A Different Body
September 29, 2012