Living Life on the Border

July 18, 2012
By Anonymous

People may call me crazy but that’s not how it is at least not how I look at it, I am in fact as I like to call it “emotionally challenged”. I have borderline personality disorder I was diagnosed when I was fourteen although I showed signs of having it two years earlier. On top of that I have also been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. I had a rough childhood as I know many of you had. I was taken away from my parents at age eight because we were homeless and placed into the custody of my abusive grandmother. At age twelve I became depressed and had developed a case of insomnia. I had dropped fourteen pounds in a short period of two weeks and couldn’t keep myself contained. My friends became worried and frightened for my well being and brought it upon themselves to inform our middle school guidance councilor of my current situation. I was then placed in a hospital, the mental health center to be exact. And that is where I learned the one thing that as it turns out is not such a great thing. I learned about self mutilation and in time I had grown to do so as well.

Borderline personality disorder not only deals with matters such as self harm but relationships as well. i seem to become attached easily but when that person disappoints me in the least bit or if I believe that I have been done wrong i start to turn. My relationships tend to be intense and unstable. I will see you as either all good or all bad ideation or devaluation everything seems to be only black and white. This is probably all due to the severe overwhelming fear of being abandoned. I see myself as bad and unworthy I can’t help it. I like to use the saying “I hate you, don’t leave me” it seems to wrap up the disorder pretty well. Often because of this disorder my family gets frustrated and they don’t seem to know how to help me often ending in a result of returning to the hospital. I often tend to do things for attention especially if I feel attached to you. Negative or positive it all feels the same to me.

Living with borderline hasn’t proven to be simple but I’m making it through pretty well; I mean I’m alive aren’t I? If you’re like me and you have borderline I believe in you. Go ahead and call me crazy but I’ll tell you this I don’t care what you think because if I am here I must be strong.

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