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Filthy Secret This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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     I have this problem commonly known as an eating disorder, but I like to think of it as my filthy secret. I do not waste myself away drinking; I do not waste myself away smoking; I do not waste myself away injecting. No, I waste away my body creatively.

It is beautiful, the way I look now, skinny and lovely. It is disgusting, my mode of operation, binging and purging. I am bulimic. You would not know it, looking at me, talking to me. I eat moderately, but you are not there 24/7. You do not know my filthy secret.

I eat; oh, do I eat, just not in front of you. My family knows, they watch as I gorge myself, consuming until it aches. And then? What makes me so pretty? It is my lovely, filthy secret life inside a restroom - my hideout, my sanctuary - I puke until my throat is dry, until my stomach burns. It hurts, it hurts so much. Has it ever been worth the anguish?

It does not matter now, I cannot stop; it is my relief, my comfort. Do not take that away from me, my sanity. I know it is bad, I know it is killing me. My throat constantly burns; my teeth are cracking; my stomach cannot hold food. If I am not puking, I am eating. Whenever I am home, I spend some time eating, some time puking, some time dying from exhaustion.

Even sleep does not come much anymore. I am exhausted, but the urge, the pure need, beckons me. I cannot abandon it, I cannot leave it as everything has abandoned me. So I abandon sleep instead. Everyone loves sleep, everyone loves food. No one loves the truth.

It is pathetic, but do not tell me to quit. I cannot handle it. I do not care if I weigh 110 or 220. Just do not take this away from me. What would I be if I were not bulimic? I need to be defined, so simply, so beautifully. Do not take this away from me, not when my mind is so fragile.

Wait for a better day, a day when I am not thinking about the calories, about the effects, about weight. Wait for a better day, perhaps when my mind shuts down. Wait for a better day, but promise me that the better day will not be too late.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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This article has 7 comments. Post your own!

shapeshifter56 said...
Dec. 14, 2012 at 7:32 pm:
Wow. This is beautiful and phenomenally written. Your article really touched me because this is often how I feel about my cutting and (although I am not actually bulimic) purging too. Thank you for posting this. Just remember that you are beautiful inside and out. Stay strong :)
 
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teeninkwriter said...
Dec. 19, 2010 at 5:34 pm:
Raw, truthful, honest. i only hope that one day u will be able to overcome this. And i promise u, that better day will not be too late
 
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lovelei This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 13, 2010 at 8:15 pm:
The truthfulness of this is astounding; stay strong, and I hope you are able to overcome this. <3
 
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This*Lit*Is*BananasThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 23, 2009 at 9:29 am:
This was beautiful, frank, blunt, raw. Amazing article. I hope you find a way out soon and start to enjoy life the way it was meant to be enjoyed. You are more than your illness. I hope you get better one day. Best wishes. <3
 
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practicerandomkindness said...
Jun. 9, 2009 at 12:06 am:
absolutely amazing.
 
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Theresa K. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 16, 2009 at 7:11 pm:
A very blunt, unique piece. A harsh look on the horrors of bulmia.
 
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nonelse said...
Dec. 29, 2008 at 9:01 pm:
this..was amazingly well writen..it was...intense..and not just the same old...i realized i needed help...it was....so good!
 
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