Filthy Secret MAG

By Anonymous

     I have this problem commonly known as an eating disorder, but I like to think of it as my filthy secret. I do not waste myself away drinking; I do not waste myself away smoking; I do not waste myself away injecting. No, I waste away my body creatively.

It is beautiful, the way I look now, skinny and lovely. It is disgusting, my mode of operation, binging and purging. I am bulimic. You would not know it, looking at me, talking to me. I eat moderately, but you are not there 24/7. You do not know my filthy secret.

I eat; oh, do I eat, just not in front of you. My family knows, they watch as I gorge myself, consuming until it aches. And then? What makes me so pretty? It is my lovely, filthy secret life inside a restroom - my hideout, my sanctuary - I puke until my throat is dry, until my stomach burns. It hurts, it hurts so much. Has it ever been worth the anguish?

It does not matter now, I cannot stop; it is my relief, my comfort. Do not take that away from me, my sanity. I know it is bad, I know it is killing me. My throat constantly burns; my teeth are cracking; my stomach cannot hold food. If I am not puking, I am eating. Whenever I am home, I spend some time eating, some time puking, some time dying from exhaustion.

Even sleep does not come much anymore. I am exhausted, but the urge, the pure need, beckons me. I cannot abandon it, I cannot leave it as everything has abandoned me. So I abandon sleep instead. Everyone loves sleep, everyone loves food. No one loves the truth.

It is pathetic, but do not tell me to quit. I cannot handle it. I do not care if I weigh 110 or 220. Just do not take this away from me. What would I be if I were not bulimic? I need to be defined, so simply, so beautifully. Do not take this away from me, not when my mind is so fragile.

Wait for a better day, a day when I am not thinking about the calories, about the effects, about weight. Wait for a better day, perhaps when my mind shuts down. Wait for a better day, but promise me that the better day will not be too late.

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This article has 8 comments.

i love this so much!

on Dec. 14 2012 at 7:32 pm
shapeshifter56 GOLD, Cave Creek, Arizona
14 articles 0 photos 140 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Instead of waiting for the storm to pass, learn to dance in the rain."
--Unknown Author

Wow. This is beautiful and phenomenally written. Your article really touched me because this is often how I feel about my cutting and (although I am not actually bulimic) purging too. Thank you for posting this. Just remember that you are beautiful inside and out. Stay strong :)

writerssoul said...
on Dec. 19 2010 at 5:34 pm
writerssoul, One, Delaware
0 articles 0 photos 105 comments
Raw, truthful, honest. i only hope that one day u will be able to overcome this. And i promise u, that better day will not be too late

lovelei said...
on Nov. 13 2010 at 8:15 pm
lovelei, Walnut, California
0 articles 3 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
Just breathe.

The truthfulness of this is astounding; stay strong, and I hope you are able to overcome this. <3

on Dec. 23 2009 at 9:29 am
IsobelFree DIAMOND, Hamilton, Other
71 articles 20 photos 298 comments

Favorite Quote:
"As long as there is open road, the familiar has the most formidable competitor." - Anonymous

This was beautiful, frank, blunt, raw. Amazing article. I hope you find a way out soon and start to enjoy life the way it was meant to be enjoyed. You are more than your illness. I hope you get better one day. Best wishes. <3

on Jun. 9 2009 at 12:06 am
practicerandomkindness, Rindge, New Hampshire
0 articles 0 photos 46 comments
absolutely amazing.

on Feb. 16 2009 at 7:11 pm
VandaNoon PLATINUM, West Pittston, Pennsylvania
42 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
what i can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
-Marie Digby 'Unfold'

A very blunt, unique piece. A harsh look on the horrors of bulmia.

nonelse said...
on Dec. 29 2008 at 9:01 pm
this..was amazingly well was...intense..and not just the same old...i realized i needed good!


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