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Don't ever leave her alone.

By , Jefferson, GA
I heard the bang of the glass door behind me, I just needed to be alone. I heard it again, I whip my head around to see my mom come out onto the porch. She sat down on the porch swing and turned her head away as though she didn't see me standing in the yard.

This was the way it was for me. I wasn't to be left alone,under any circumstances. A few months before during summer break I began to fall. My mom let me buy a SHAPE magazine so I could begin to get healthy. She worked all day so I was left alone to do what ever I wanted.

My little brother religiously sleep till noon or later and I would get up and go for a jog, do a workout video and eat a low carb diet. I began to lose a weight and look more toned. It only took a month after I started my diet that I wanted to be skinnier and wear a size two again.
I hadn't worn a size two since eighth grade, but high school honors and AP classes would take their toll and completely eliminate any exercise time I had much less time to put together a healthy lunch or breakfast. I went straight for a size six then and eight. by the end of my sophomore year eights were getting tight.

My mom was understanding of my reasons to want to become healthy and fit again so she provided support. She saw my toned body and complimented me all the time; I loved it. But it was never enough.

I made myself throw up the first time in early July; at first it was just once a week. It slowly built up to a few times a week. At first I thought it would help but then I would feel guilty and say to my self I will never do this again, but then I would again after I ate a lot of food or ate something with lots of calories. When I began doing it a few times a week I hated myself.The thoughts of me looking pretty of super thin was overwhelming, pushing me further and further. I knew I had a problem but was so ashamed of what people would think of me, of what my family would think of me. So I quit eating during the day so I couldn't make myself purge.

My sister moved in that summer while her husband was in basic training for the Army. Everyday we would go for a walk around our neighborhood after dinner.That's when I was discovered. My mother made spaghetti for dinner, and afterwords me and Amanda decided to go for a walk. I'm not quit sure what happened but as I stepped out on the driveway my stomach twisted and I felt the acid rising in my throat I couldn't do anything and I leaned over and threw up in the grass. My sister was concerned but my mom knew, the look on her face told me she knew. I lied down on the couch trying to pretend to be sick but I just couldn't. My sister left and my mom sat down beside me. She told me she had a story to tell me; she told me about a girl who wouldn't eat for days on end and binge till she felt sick and would throw up. She told me about how this girl had no one to help her, to talk to, or to comfort her. I cried a little because I felt bad for the girl. My mom looked at me and told me that that girl was her when she was fifteen. My sobs betrayed any secret I thought I ever had. My mom hugged me and told me "We will fix this, you are not alone."

The next day I started going to work with her.We would get McDonald's for breakfast and I had to eat every bit or I couldn't use the workout room down stairs. We would pack our lunches together and I had to eat every bit. Slowly but surely I got back to a healthy body weight.
So my mom still keeps an eye on me but has never let me think she was disappointed in me. She doesn't let me be alone, she says that someday I can be but until then I just need an extra eye to help keep me healthy.

Much has changed since then, I'm more confident, happy, and honest. I love school and take a dance class three days a week and work with the kids choir at church. My life has changed and I'm happy that mom found out before something worse than randomly throwing up happened. If you feel like I did; ashamed, confused, and alone talk to someone because you don't want to wait till it is to late.





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shapeshifter56 said...
Feb. 11, 2013 at 11:10 pm
You have an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it. It was helpful to me personally and very well-written :)
 
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