Sometimes it seems better not to feel. Trust me I would know. Press every bad thought; every terrible feeling to the deepest recesses of your mind. Press it back day after day until you barely notice it; until it’s gone. It seems stupid but when something hurts so bad you can barely breathe you’d do anything and everything not to feel. Guard your heart before it bursts. You tell yourself over and over that you don’t care. You’ve told yourself so many times that it seems true. Let yourself be apathetic because apathy is power. You think you’re strong because nothing affects you anymore. You let them do and say whatever they want because you don’t care because it enforces, in your mind, the idea that nothing means anything to you. If you don’t care then you can’t get feel and if you can’t feel then you can’t ever get hurt. Indifferent because you’ve built a wall no one can get through. But you let everyone sit on top if they want because you’re the strong one. They can’t see your weakness and they can’t know that you have any problems because they need someone strong to carry them. Hold everything in before you fall apart. You don’t care about you anymore. You mean nothing to yourself. Your body is an object. Let them use it. Because they want to and because you don’t care. You’ve told yourself that so many times that it’s finally true. You don’t care. It doesn’t matter. You’re finally numb. But something’s missing. Something is unnerving. He looks at you and tells you he loves you. You don’t feel anything. You don’t remember what it feels like to feel anything. Not pain, not joy, and you realize you’re empty. You can’t feel and you’d give anything to feel again. You’d give anything and everything to feel something. The thing is we always want what we don’t have. You’re so numb you feel dead. You feel like your hearts’ gone and there’s nothing that you can say or do to fix this. You feel like you’re suffocating and suddenly you wish you were. You’re so empty you can’t stand it. You miss what it’s like to feel alive. You’re body craves it. Pain and happiness are distant memories that you long for so desperately that your skin crawls in on itself. You’d do anything. That knife on the table’s looking pretty comforting; like a way out. You were never that person…but you are now. All of the sudden you’re cutting and you can’t stop. How could this be happening? You should stop but you can finally feel so why should you? The things you’d do to feel.
It’s unhealthy to numb yourself. This makes you resort to other ways in an attempt to feel. As humans we feel empty without love and pain. It is necessary. I’ve felt this and all though I don’t cut I bleed my words onto these pages as a healthier way to cope. Feelings and emotions are a part of life that cannot be ignored or shut out. If you try you’ll just end up craving it and might not be able to feel again like you used to. Don’t throw them away. Take care of yourself. You are more and I love you.