Wake up at (5:30) summer sunlight, now brush your teeth, now weigh yourself; what if what if what if; now take your clothes off, now weigh yourself again, now run hard if it’s a higher number, run anyway if it’s a lower number, now turn off the AC because your freezing your butt off, now scold yourself for having flesh to be cold, now turn on the radio, now turn the AC back on to hide your jogging feet, now make sure your family’s still sleeping, now prepare a huge breakfast for your(fake)self, now throw it: outside, down the drain, in the garbage, in the dog dish, anywhere; now find diet soda, now chug it as you swallow morning pills, now chew your vitamin in 10 equal bites to process nutrients; what nutrients?; now chew one stick of sugar-free gum for at least an hour, now tally up your day’s calories, now allow yourself a carrot for being good, now make a fake log of yesterday’s food to please the family, now tell yourself you’re okay, now shut the door and let the bathroom fog with scalding hot water, now take off your clothes, now jog in place, now lay out new clothes, now make sure it’s been at least 2 hours since you’ve woken up, now pee out all that bubbling diet soda, now weigh yourself again, now look in the mirror, now ignore the summer cold; summer cold, goose bumps?; now shower for an hour to feel the heat, now ignore all the hair clogging the drain, now make sure you are immaculately clean, now jog in place to make sure your insides are the same, now turn off the water, now make sure everyone is still asleep; they cannot see my bones; now jog, jog, jog, on the shower mat, now put on your clothes to replace the water’s warmth, now air-dry doing crunches, now blow-dry your limp hair, now grab another stick of gum, now make sure the food you threw out is perfectly hidden, now put on jewelry and makeup, now grab a sweatshirt because it’s freezing; I am cold I am cold I am cold!; now lie straight to your mom’s face, now punch yourself for the hunger pangs kicking in, now leave to go to acting camp, now sulk because you don’t have a lead role; never good enough; now sing with the chorus, now pretend no one thinks you’re diseased, now cry inside because (you cannot think cannot feel ) cannot hear properly, now sneak out while the leads are rehearsing with money you took, now buy Diet Pepsi, now rip off the label so you can pretend it’s regular, now count your calories again, now go into the bathroom to obsess in the mirror; I want it off fix rip fix; now keep pretending you’re okay, now jog if no one’s looking before you go back into the theater, now lie when someone asks about the soda, now join the ensemble for the swing dancing, now muster up enough energy to dance, now sigh when the wimp you’re paired with cannot lift you correctly, now wonder what it would be like if you were a healthy weight; shudder; now dreaded lunch break, now sit with girls you don’t know so the others don’t notice; they still do they still do!; now throw away your lunch as you grab a popsicle, now lie and say you’re having lunch when you get home, now deny any pretzels offered; I want them; now ignore the boy asking your friend about how sick you are, now wish you were still like your friends, now realize you hardly have friends; it’s okay Nicolette you have your mind that’s all that counts; now back to work, now exercise off the popsicle, now wish you could sing like you used to; I don’t even want to, stop it hurts; now go home with your friend, now relish in the humidity outside, now tell your friend to turn off the AC in the car, now make small talk involuntarily, now pretend you have something to do so you can’t hang out, now arrive home, now greet mom; I want her to know; now make up good things about your day, now wait for her to leave the room so you can prepare your snack, now make the protein shake with water (so it tastes disgusting) to halve the calories, now put it in the freezer so it looks thicker, now take exactly 20 minutes to put away your stuff- item by item by step, now turn your steps into a jog, now have your drink thing, now make sure your mom sees you drink some of it, now pour the rest down the drain, now go in your room, pretend to do something, now ignore your cell phone, now jog run jog run repeat, now look in the mirror to make sure everything’s smaller the same, now go on Facebook and look at what your friends are doing for an hour; I wish I were them let me go I don’t want to be alone; now keep smiling as the clock passes; let it all end; now help your family make dinner, now change the recipes to cut off calories, now sit down like a happy family; I am not broken; now feed your food to the dog when no one’s listening, no pretend you’re not a ghost and talk talk talk about nothing; I want something to talk about; now run off the calories, now brush your teeth to clean off the filth, now chew more gum, now pass the night by yourself; what is this life; now make sure all the calories are gone, now allow yourself to sleep, now remember you need to prepare, now grab some gum, now take an hour for grooming and jogging, now its midnight and (you cannot function cannot breathe cannot fake ) you’re tired, now a few more crunches, now have your mom tuck you in, now make sure she tells you she loves you; who would who would; now remember everything is alright, now take in the silence and rest for a few hours, now… repeat.
February 13, 2011