Growing up my sister and I were always the cute ones. No matter how bad our ugly stages were, we were always the cute ones because we were so tiny. We were always the shortest of the bunch, and usually one of the skinniest. When I was 13 my father left my mother. That's when it all changed for me. My life was out of my control. It was falling apart, and all I could do was watch it happen. I guess that's when I turned to food. I didn't realize it until the middle of 9th grade. I had gained weight, a lot of weight. I'm not sure I was ever fat, I always said I was, but I think that's just when I developed this disease. I don't remember when I started doing something about the way I felt, I do remember becoming a vegetarian more because I thought it would help me lose weight than because I cared about the animals. After learning all about it, i'd never go back, it makes me feel sick to eat dead animals. But that's how it started for me. Like I said, I don't remember the moment I lost all my control. It started with my trying to gain control. From the day I became a vegetarian, until the beginning of grade 12 I struggled on and off with my weight. Thing was, it wasn't noticable. I never gained a lot or lost a lot, i just stopped eating from time to time until i got my weight down and than got so depressed that i did that to myself, i'd reward myself with a milkshake. And then I started grade 12 and I began my second serious relationship. It was never his fault, but it was around the time he came into my life that I tried to take control again, I couldn't control him like I could everyone in my life in the past, so I tried to gain control of myself. I stopped eating, and when I ate and felt bad about myself I'd take my toothbrush and bring it back up. My weight lose began to amplify. I had lost 20 pounds since grade 9 and most of it was in a matter of a few months. People started to notice, and my excuses were running low. I am not a very good liar, and so I ate when they told me to eat and when they left, I threw it up. Nothing was making me feel better, so i started to drink. I drank more often, and more at a time. As I am not a very big girl, I didn't handle it well. And with the alcohol came the confessions. Once everyone close to me knew my secrets I felt discouraged. I wanted something I could control, and now they were all looking out for me watching my every step. And so I started to cut. When my close friends discovered that secret too, I broke down and started to recover. Over christmas holidays I ate three meals a day, and stayed busy to stop myself from the cutting and the vomiting. The drinking continued. On new years eve, I got so drunk I ruined everything between my boyfriend and I. I spiralled down into depression. I stayed in bed for days, eating nothing exept the food my mother forced on me. I left my house only for work, and showered only when I could no longer handle my own smell. The shower scared me, it taunted me it teased me the razor called out my name. I don't see how I can be expected to recover when I've been pushed so far down that climbing up seems next to impossible for me. I am barely 5'0 and weigh roughly 90 pounds. I have scars all down my hips. I need to get better, because I want to be happy again. I often feel I have no one to talk to and I often feel so embarrased to be the way I am. Writing has always been there for me. Writing can save you from yourself. Writing is and will always be my escape. I haven't felt this good in weeks. I have forgotten how freeing writing can be. Never give up, no matter how good you are because it isn't always about who reads it or who understands it. Writing is about having a voice, and expressing yourself in ways you've never thought possible.
Writing has saved me
January 4, 2011