No, it’s not depression. No, it’s not anxiety. No, it’s not bipolar disorder. It would be too easy if it was any one of those. At least it would be treatable, manageable, it would even make sense. But it’s not. It’s something no one has an answer to because no one understands it. No one can rationalize what we think, feel, and need because it’s something we’ve been told our whole lives is irrational, impossible. Still we reach for the unreachable. Climb the unclimbable and hope that all of this hard work will get us to that imaginary peak. Instead, we fall. We always fall. Because you can’t catch perfection.

We’re told we’re being crazy, that this obsession will lead to an inevitable end, that it’s not worth it. Do we ever listen though? Of course not because giving up, throwing in the towel, is just too easy, too simple and shows we are too weak. We’d rather pursue what you call unobtainable just to prove you wrong, to prove that we can do something no one thought we were able to. Because that is the sweetest of victories.

We try to disguise it by cloaking all feelings and masking all emotions because that demonstrates how strong we are. How no matter what is said or done we remain unharmed and unfazed. It’s the perfect façade. However, no one is who they appear to be. And inside of us is a mine field.

We all crash at some point. We’re ticking time bombs who can explode at any moment. But unlike a bomb we try to contain our explosion by eradicating any evidence that we’re about to burst. And then, we do. We pull hair, punch walls, stomp feet and scream. Scream with our disappointment, our failure and pray that we can bounce back into normalcy but the damage is done. The aftermath is far too great for anything to ever be the same as it was. But we want it to. It’s become our instinct and we torture ourselves whilst striving for it. It’s an endless cycle, one that we beg to come to an end while we keep pressing towards it.

To you we seem fine, happy even. As if we have everything worked out for us. As if we are something you thought was impossible. Perfect.