Simply a Girl

April 5, 2010
By , darien, IL
She was a girl. She was simply a girl, an insignificant conglomeration of chemical reactions that demanded space. In essence, her body was abject matter, comprised of rolls of muscle and subcutaneous layers, inutile without the task of sustaining the mind, her mind. It was her mind that was the prize of her existence. Without it, she was nothing. It was when the mind began failing, the body bore its imperfections. When the mind was deemed unworthy, the body was deemed unworthy. The body was accountable for the mind’s inabilities. It deterred its progression and compelled it to rot into a useless pile of waste, unworthy of consuming space. The useless and the vulgar have no place in the world. They do not deserve existence or nonexistence. They deserve nothing. They deserve crucifixion, crucifixion that shall manifest itself in the form of psychotic pleasure, the psychotic pleasure of attaining the unattainable.

It was disgust, the detestable emotion of disgust. It was a great and terrible form of unhappiness, mightier than all physical suffering. It was disgust that she felt toward her mind, her body, her existence, herself. She could not exist with the emotion gnawing at her purpose, at her actions, at everything that she had done. What have I become? She answered the question with disgust. Tears followed, silent tears. The tears fell softly and silently, devoid of self-pity. Her head fell to her arms. How did I come here? Through useless and vulgar actions.

The will is an efficacious abstraction in the human that achieves the insurmountable. When aroused, when called upon, and when acted on, it is a potent force that leads the mind to where it wishes to go. However, it is the mind that predestines its course. It was her will, called upon by her mind, that compelled her head to lift from her arms. I am puissant. I am I. I have strength. It is possible. It must be possible. I can escape. I can change. She will claim her mind once more. She shall be her image, the goddess of her world. Strength, shall come, strength through discipline and strength through self-mastery. She will master the body, which in turn will resuscitate the mind.

Examination is the key step in alteration, purposeful alteration. The rational action commences after the examination and analysis of the present situation. Thus, her instincts abided by the formula. She stripped down to her undergarments and proceeded with the examination. Scrutinizing her form, she collected tangible data in the vast computer of her mind. The figures, the mathematical calculations, the real, and the immediate were all recorded. Shortly following was the extrapolation, or the deductions and inferences. The data was analyzed. Bits of excess subcutaneous and visceral tissue were viewed upon as the results of unrestrained indulgence in momentary pleasures, and sufficiency or ampleness of any form were characterized as the transmogrification into a voluptuary. I have realized what I have become. I will change.

The decision of action commences the mission. The immediate action influences the forthcoming action. Thus, the immediate action must possess vigor and consistency. She did not eat. She did not eat breakfast or dinner. She ate lunch. She hated lunch. Once more, the disgust returned. It returned when she ate lunch. Weeks passed, and disgust was sickening. She did not eat lunch. She did not eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner. In between, she ate between. Her quantities were proportioned, so her disgust was proportioned. Her will grew stronger, and she was happy.

Opposition partakes of any mission. It compels the undertaker to openly analyze its purpose, or proceed with it in blind rebellion. Her mother was the opposition. She proceeded with her mission blind rebellion. To ensure success, she lied, succumbed, contended, and ignored. The opposition disrobed herself of reason, and threw herself at the undertaker’s soul. It implored, chastised, threatened, and compelled through brute force. Opposition was the animal, and the undertaker was the rational. Desperation had reduced opposition to an animal.

True strength, never succumbs to the opposition of animals. It contends until death, lest the demolition of the will. In order to achieve the purpose, the mind results to conjuring images of the nonexistent in order to intensify the longing for the goal. It is the distortions that keep one going. She was to focus on the arms. Her mind deemed the shape irregular, the natural curve of muscle much too ample, much too desirable. After weeks, it did not change, and the motivation dissipated. The mind was compelled to target another area, the abdominal area in which resided the stomach, a volatile portion of her body. Upon receiving nourishment, it expanded, and upon deprivation, it flattened. Her eyes followed its movements, and her mind recorded them, calculated possibilities, and determined where it should be. Still she sensed no progress.

The undertaker, when the appropriate amount of will and discipline is exerted, can lose her external consciousness and record of progress when immersed in her task. The persistent drive is let loose and the self-mastery once gained is motivated by the trepidation of losing it. It was a period of darkness. Opposition was nothing. It was herself that mattered. She traveled without rest, yet her goal ran farther and farther away. Realizing that her goal was abstract, she solidified it to a point of numerical and visual precision. It was achieved easily, much too easily. If it was so simple, her potential was great. She could achieve a great many things. She wanted to work, and she wanted to endeavor. She wanted to fight. Farther and farther, she pushed herself, until she reached the point of no return.

It is at this point when the undertaker comprehends the full result of her endeavor. The undertaker has gotten close enough to the tunnel to see what is on the other end. The undertaker knows where she is and where she is going. She is frightened, and does not want to enter that tunnel despite its vicinity. Yet, she is proud. She is proud of her work. It cannot simply vanish. Her weeks of drudgery, every achievement after which she had felt joy, radiating joy that pervaded her body was to terminate. However, fear overwhelmed, and the purposeful mind succumbed to a mist of indecisiveness. It once more became useless and vulgar.

When the strength of the undertaker subsides, its opposition strikes. It drags the undertaker back to her starting point while she fights in vain to resist. She breaks, and opposition strengthens. She detests the opposition, and will always detest the opposition.

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