My Scars (or A Meaningless Rant)

By , East Falmouth, MA
My scars are more than emotional scars. I have about 20, perhaps more, of them. Oh, you can’t see them. They are not displayed beautifully across my wrist like the average cutter. I don’t wish for death or attention, or anything of the sort. I just want pain, so I cut myself on my legs, mainly my right one.

The scars they leave are wonderful – long and pink. “Pink ribbon scars,” like in the Smashing Pumpkin’s song. Because of the appearance of my wounds, I love that lyric. It is my favorite. But that is not what this is about.

I am on medication for anxiety. It apparently encourages suicidal thoughts, so I’m guessing that that is where this pain comes from. But I didn’t start really feeling this hopeless until three years into taking the medication, so maybe I am just ‘crazy.’

Sigh.

My head and my heart say different things about my ‘issue.’ My brain yells at me for being so selfish and so stupid. My heart doesn’t give a care. My heart just wants me to grab the blade and dig it into my blade over and over again. I guess it’s like an addiction. At one point of my binging cycle of self harm, I practically drove myself even more insane looking for something to cut with. I never found it and I didn’t cut again until last night.

Ah, last night. I just had this urge to slash. I added eight more scars to my count. I didn’t particularly have a reason; I was just angry and sad. When I get angry, I don’t get angry at other people, I just get angry at myself. I hear my friends complaining about other people being jerks, but I only hate myself, not others.

I’ve almost killed myself a few times and the thoughts of suicide have definitely been there, but I’ve always been stopped. Music saved me the first time, theatre the second, a good friend the third, and hope the fourth.

You see, hope is a wonderfully fabulous thing. I stay up at night, writing and wondering why I haven’t just offed myself yet, but then I remember the wonderful thing called hope and all the things I have to live for.

Anyway, I guess I got a bit off track, but somewhere deep inside of this meaningless rant is something bigger and deeper than just another angsty teen. Somewhere in there is hope to pass on to others and strength to remind others of why.





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This article has 10 comments. Post your own now!

bugnikki said...
Sept. 24, 2013 at 2:42 pm
I am a cutter and you wrote that so well i thought it was me your taking about. I cut my stomic the most... But then my friend found out. She cuts to and we are trying to stop, but its to hard. She gets mad when i cut so we both end up cutting more. Randomly she will lift my shirt up in school in the hall way and see if im hurt. Though now she is looking at my arms now to. I cut from 7th grade till now i was clean for a month but when you lose us friends to drugs and alchole in 10th grade you st... (more »)
 
catdog496 said...
Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:36 am
I have nearly 100 scars on my legs, stomach, and arms.  I've been clean for 9 days after relapsing from nearly 8 months of not cutting.  The way you describe the emotions is incredible.  Reading this, I can relate to every single word.  Music and theatre have saved me so many times, as well as my friends.  Anyway, wonderfully written.
 
miracle_of_hope said...
Aug. 8, 2011 at 7:02 pm
hope is what has always saved me and its blissful
 
WhisperingDeath said...
Aug. 8, 2010 at 7:34 pm

I have over 70 scars on my arms and legs...I think more like 80. I mostly cut on my right leg too, but I would do it where ever it was convenint. I cut becuse I couln'd stand my emotional pain and stress. I've been "clean" for almost a year after haveing been a heavy SI for two years.

This was vary well written. I couldn't have done it any better:) godd job!

 
notebookgirl said...
Apr. 26, 2010 at 9:10 pm
life is hard but youve got to hang on and youve got to keep fighting and in a way thats exactly what life is all about
 
a cutter said...
Apr. 25, 2010 at 10:31 pm
I couldn't of put this in better words my self for 6 months i didn't cut because I had a great friend next to me and one day I cutted because i was anger but I wont give up hope that I will stop and never have a sucidal thought in my head
 
Thinker said...
Apr. 22, 2010 at 8:11 am
Please ask your counselor about reading the book "Crash into me" by Albert Borris, next concider this, because this is what I was told before every surgery I got, "scars are a token of war..." We must remember that war is not glorious or even honorable, but it does remind us of our struggles.
 
Shawna L. said...
Apr. 21, 2010 at 7:34 pm

Cutting is a horrible thing and definitely a thing that people struggle with. I myself have been on both ends of the spectrum. I was a cutter.....I still am and I have friends that were. It hurts noth way. But you can stop. Stay strong. Have Hope!

good luck

 
This*Lit*Is*Bananas This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 18, 2010 at 12:14 pm
You are so strong. Hang in there, and try not to hurt yourself. It may seem like cutting is fixing things, but believe me, it isn't fixing a thing - you are only harming yourself, your own beautiful body that God gave you. You only get one life, one body, and don't destroy it. Life is beautiful, just remember that. Thank you for this. I wish you the best. <3
 
Allie97 replied...
Apr. 19, 2010 at 6:05 pm
oh my gosh!! this comment is perfect!! cutting doesnt hurt just you, it hurts the ones around you. my friend cut herself and it scares me. every time she doesnt show up to school i think that something terrible happened. please think of what you are putting your friends through...and your family...they all love you and want you to stay with them, and by cutting its almost like cutting a rope...eventually its going to cut in half....rethink....
 
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