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What I Am Not

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I am not buleimic. I am not anorexic. But i am not happy enough with myself. I do not have the best body to me, but to everyone else, it's gorgeous. Though there are days when i look in the mirror and all i see is beauty. Others i think i could look better. I am a size 3/4 and others think i am smaller, but i don't know why i'm acting so petty with my body.

One day in AP World, one of my friends who sits next to me (she's a sophomore) said "Gurl, how much do you weigh?" i already knew she was about to tell me how small i am because she and the girl behind her talk about it almost every day. She is a little thick with jealously big breasts. The girl behind her is hecka tall with a regular shape. I, on the other hand, also have kind of big breasts for my size.

I was honest, "109." her eyes became bigger than my teacher's mole as she whispered it to the girl behind her.

"Gurl, i swear you look like 70ibs." she responded. I believed her. As much as i didn't want to admit it aloud, she had made my day.

I blamed my unreasonable insecurity on "awkward stage" which is what one of my closest friends went through last year. I am not depressed. I am not anorexic. I am not buleimic. Sometimes, i am cautious of what others think of me.

Something i don't like for others to do. I became self- concious. I feel like i am not pleasing everyone else if i'm not pleasing myself. No one would think i would be the person who could be the most insecure. I am the one everyone comes to for advice. The lifesaver.

I am not anorexic. I am not buleimic. I am not depressed. I am not considering becoming anorexic (i have to eat all the time). I am not considering becoming buleimic ( i am afraid of vomit).

I am so STUPID for even thinking those thoughts. I will not be one of the girls i read about and see on movies. I get so infuriated with those stupid girls that know dag on well they are so beautiful. On the other hand, before the mess their bodies uo with those ridiuclous diets and the benge and purge diets, i am soooo jealous. What pisses me off is that i was one of them. Except i broke myself away from that imprisonment before i let myself get out of hand. On the other hand, my mother would never be so lenient as to let me not eat, or purposely regurgitate, or diet. I know better.

I know better and i know better and i know better and i am not one of them. I am not anorexic. I am not buleimic. I am not considering becoming anorexic. I am not considering becoming buleimic. I am not ever going to try to impress anyone but myself. I am not going to meet another person and let them think they are ugly.

"Omgizzle...you are like "this" thin! i hate you so much."




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A Reader said...
Jan. 22, 2010 at 1:28 pm:
I know just how u feel. & believe me u are not stupid. Adults see me as so beutiful when i see myself as ok.
 
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