June 10, 2009
By , West Plains, MO
This is something that should not happen to teenagers. To children, to adults, to anyone.
Depression should not happen.

I was eight when I learned about suicide. I went to Church Camp when I was twelve- that's where I learned about cutting.

I was thirteen when I had my first taste of dispair. I was fourteen when I gave in to the emotional pain, and let it out through physical. It was only a paper clip, only two small scratches on my arm.
It was only the beginning.

I spent that next year cutting quietly with a Biq Razer I'd broken in half. My mother found it, and my intense, secret, hateful feelings on life. And she did absolutely nothing.

I stole two of my mother's prescribed pain killers when I was fifteen. I spent those next twelve hours throwing up my burning insides.
I had a headache, yes. But the pain inside of me was hushed, if only for a while.

The next week, I stole only one.

Today, I am sixteen. I am still depressed, I am still giving in every once and a while, and I still have not found help.
"Help" in my opinion, is the written word.
"Help" is knowing that I'm not alone... all the time.
"Help" may not be Jesus, or meds, or my mom, or my best friend- who by the way, can't stand me or my sadness any longer.
"Help" is knowing that someday, I won't be completely whole, but I will be almost as perfect as even you.

I will spend the rest of my life with those firey, red marks on my thighs... but you know what?

What I didn't kill myself with made me stronger.

Join the Discussion

This article has 14 comments. Post your own now!

mhmmalright said...
Oct. 19, 2010 at 8:52 pm
I love this
Horsewriterlol This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Thats an amazing article :).One of my best friends has really bad depression and this reminds me of her .
ma.cherie2 said...
Dec. 6, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Right now, I'm having a relapse of sorts, and I'm trying to remind myself that I AM strong, because if I weren't, I'd be dead.
The same is for you, what ever your circumstances are.
I am writing something right now; I'm so glad and humbled to find that this simple article has helped or related to people. :) I want to help even more.
Pompom94 said...
Nov. 30, 2009 at 8:42 pm
ok, come on shaddie. youre so rude. if youve gone through the same thing, dont act like its wrong. she was shielding herself from pain.
ma.cherie2 replied...
Dec. 5, 2009 at 2:40 pm
oh, it's fine. i understood what shaddie was saying.
she wasn't trying to be negative; she was expressing what she felt about stealing prescription drugs and cutting, as she's experienced both. she wasn't rude. :]
KiraKira said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Reading this made me realize that I shouldn't hurt myself to let out emotional pain. Thank you, Anonymous! You are an amazing writer!
ma.cherie2 replied...
Dec. 5, 2009 at 2:42 pm
i am SO glad i could help. really.
KiraKira replied...
Dec. 5, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I tell myself averyday 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger', and everyday I hope that it's true. Please write more. I think you can help so many people. Including me.
ma.cherie2 replied...
Dec. 6, 2009 at 4:35 pm
the last comment I wrote at the top is directed at everyone who reads this, but was meant to be a reply at your last comment. :)
please read it.
EmilyMarie said...
Oct. 28, 2009 at 7:20 pm
this article is amazing and really brang back memories of my own experiences.. good luck hun
musicgirl757 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 13, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Oh. My. Gosh. This is awesome! It made me reflect on my experience. I sometimes have problems reading stories about cutting cuz it brings back painful memories, but this was beautiful and accually made me feel better. Weird. Oh well, nice! replied...
Oct. 14, 2009 at 5:00 pm
thank you so much! i'm so glad i could gelp! :]
Shaddie said...
Oct. 9, 2009 at 7:38 pm
cutting, stealing mother's addiction that you KNOW is wrong, but can't seem to stop
i would know..i've done them both..
Paige F. said...
Sept. 15, 2009 at 9:00 pm
For most, cutting is like a drug.
Starting off lightly at first,
then your thirst drives it deeper and deeper each time.
I wish I could get help. But there are untold things that are going to stay that way.
Good luck, hon. (:
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