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Losing Control


Take a second to think about where you were three or four years ago. Who were your friends, what did you spend your days doing, and what problems consumed your everyday life? It’s strange to think about the problems that seemed to be the worst thing that could ever possibly happen, don’t even affect us anymore. Life changes as we grow older, we make new friends and the people we used to spend every day with slowly become just another face in the hallway. It’s easy to get carried away in high school, to let people get the best of you and forget about who you really are. That’s what happened to me at least. From the minute I stepped through those doors that once seemed so big, I got swept up into a world that I was nowhere near prepared for. With every day came new problems that only seemed to get worse as I got older. If I only knew then what I know now right?

My story isn’t anything special. In fact it’s quite similar to the stories of many teenagers. Boy meets girl, girl falls madly into what she thought was love, and girl loses all sense of reality. He made me feel special, as if I had found who I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. We started dating around November of the tenth grade. I was spending the majority of my days with him, leaving close to no time for my best friends. They got mad at me of course, and at the time I thought they were being ridiculous and jealous. If they were true friends they would support my relationship and just be happy for me. I started drifting away from the people who were most important to me, and pretty soon he was all I had left to rely on. In my mind I didn’t need anyone else though. I was literally convinced that he was the only person that would matter for the rest of my life. Nothing could ever compete or compare with being his girlfriend. Looking back it’s hard to realize that most of the relationship was a fantasy I created in my head. When you’re that young it’s so easy to get carried away.
Our relationship carried on that way for about three months. Then it all fell apart just like everyone told me it would in the beginning. He broke up with me, barely giving me time to ask questions. That was when the reality of having no friends left hit me. I had pushed them all away, locking myself in my own little world where the only person allowed in was my boyfriend. I thought about calling my best friend Alicia, but she had been the first person I pushed away. I knew she wouldn’t want to talk to me. With literally nowhere to turn to, I buried my head in my pillow and cried myself to sleep. The next day at school was worse. Everywhere I went I was constantly reminded of him. I hated the feeling of having no one to talk to. I had some friends who I had become close to through him, but talking to them reminded me of him. I kept to myself, and let it all bottle up. When I came home from school that day, I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I couldn’t go two minutes without thinking about him. I couldn’t go 20 minutes without starting to cry. I wanted to just pick up the phone and call someone, anyone, but that wasn’t an option in my mind. I climbed the stairs to the upstairs bathroom and locked the door. I remember a calm feeling rush over me, I was safe there. I had turned to cutting myself a couple times before, but it had been almost a year since I had done it. Falling back into the habit was the last thing I had expected, but at that moment it was the only thing that made me feel alive. I found comfort in the pain, but it was only a temporary solution.
A week or so passed, and the habit was the worst it had ever been. I had begun tearing off the ankle section of pairs of socks and wearing them around my wrists so that no one would be able to tell. When I realized how far I was going to hide what I was doing, I wanted to stop more than anything. But it wasn’t that simple, it was the only thing keeping me sane. I was standing at my locker one morning and Alicia walked by. She noticed what was around my wrist and turned around to face me. Without even saying a word she hugged me, and I collapsed into her chest as she comforted me. She was very aware of my problem, but told me that she never thought I would ever resort to cutting again. She called my mom that night, and told her everything. As much as I hated her for doing that at the time, I’m so thankful that she had the courage to do so. With the help of my family and my best friend, I managed to stop using cutting as an escape from my problems. I will always regret letting a boy get the best of me like that, and I will never forgive myself for pushing away my friends the way I did. But I know that it was all something I had to go through to become a stronger person, and I will be able to have more self control the next time I’m in a similar situation. I’m proud to say that I haven’t cut myself for more than two years, but I know that things could’ve been very different if I didn’t have a friend to intervene. It’s important to realize that no matter how many times you mess up or get carried away with all the drama in high school, you will always have your family to fall back on, and if you’re lucky like me, a best friend.




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JaneDoe said...
Sept. 27, 2010 at 6:57 pm:
Brilliant.....I'm going through the same thing right now....with the whole boy obsession thing....and I wanted to start to control myself....Thank you for making me realize how stupid I've become.....You're an amazing person and I hope you're life keeps getting better and better :)
 
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BellaLuna said...
Sept. 6, 2009 at 1:08 pm:
i love this. its great to read and something good to think abou and im happy u had a friend to help u
 
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