The battle of anorexia

March 18, 2009
By
'God, Krista you are so fat' the kids would say: Fatty, Fatty, Fatty I was an overweight kid in
elementary school, always getting teased. I was about 4'8' approximately 140 lbs. I always had
friends, but a new enemy everyday. I always had problems in school and with all my teachers: 'Stop
talking, Krista,' 'Pay attention, Krista,' I would hear day after day. We then discovered I
had a learning disorder and ADHD; the doctors diagnosed me with it in 1st grade. The doctors always
prescribed me with different medications. In 6th grade I was the heaviest I have ever been I was
5'0 and 160lbs; they put me on depression medication and bipolar medication because they said I
was border line bipolar. I don't know if they knew for sure because I don't remember taking any
tests, but my family has a strong history of bi polar, so I suppose it would be just an easy label
to give me. They put me on two different kind of medicines and one of the side effects was ' loss
of appetite' oh, man the first morning I took the medications together, I felt great, and even
better I did not get hungry or even want to eat. That is not like me. I always wanted food and I was
always hungry. But something about the medicine made me not want to eat; I took this to my
advantage. My life suddenly changed, my whole life was surrounded by food. I never wanted to eat.
Food was now my enemy. 'Wake up,' my mom said, 'I'm up,' looking in the mirror with
disgust. I hated going to school in Lake Crystal. The kids were mean, well only specific ones I can
think of. I was in all the sports even as a 'fat' girl, I was not bad at them either, actually
pretty good for a big girl like me. 'Krista why aren't you eating anything today?' 'Oh,
I'm not hungry today' I said That went on for about a month, going to school, going to sports
practice, coming home with an empty stomach and then running up and down my stairs to make sure I
don't have any calories in me before I went bed. I loved when my stomach growled; I felt this
feeling that's indescribable. At this time I stopped drinking all liquids; I would only strictly
drink water, and lots of it! I even banned myself from juice, soda, smoothies, you name it I
wouldn't drink it. I called them 'empty calories' they are calories my body does not need,
why drink calories when you can eat them I thought to myself?

'Are you loosing weight, Krista?' 'Yeah, I'm watching what I eat' 'Looking good keep it
up.' I felt power the first time I heard that. I wanted people to notice, it just made me try
harder and exercise more and more so more people would notice. I always thought, 'If only I was
skinny I could wear nice clothes.' 'If only I was skinny I would be happy,' 'If only I was
skinny I would have a boyfriend and be beautiful. I thought that to myself everyday. I had lost
approx 30lbs in 2months, and I felt great. More and more people were noticing too. I would never
label myself anorexic, though. 'I don't have a problem,' I explained to my mom while she was
cooking fried chicken. 'I am just trying to lose weight, 'that's all' 'Well Krista you
barley eat anything, and your skin is looking real white and pale.' said my mom 'I am fine
mom'. I explained I always hid my eating; I would stay in my room while everyone was eating
supper. 'Look Mom, look I ate all my supper' I would always eat in front of someone anytime I
put a calorie in my mouth, nobody knew this, but I just threw food away or chewed it without
swallowing and spit it back out in the smelly garbage. I just kept losing weight. Now people were
starting to get concerned. By this time I did not get a menstrual period because my body did not
have enough nutrients to function properly. I am now the most compulsive person I know. Too eat, or
not to eat, I was always thinking about food, 'what to eat', 'what not to eat', thinking as
my mind just races. 'What do you want for supper tonight?' I asked my sister that never had a
problem with her weight. 'I don't care,' she said. I loved cooking for people. I have always
had a passion for cooking, but little did I know I had a disorder and once it catches you it's so
hard to recover. My mom got me a nutritionist at the hospital because she was really worried about
me. I really did not want to see my family worried. It actually hurt me more when my family worried
about me. I just wanted to be skinny, that's all. 'Tonight we have a choir concert class,'
said my choir teacher Mrs. Lau. S**t, I hate standing in front of a crowed. Everyone is going to be
there my mom, grandparents, and all my friends parents also. I was getting all dressed up, dizzy as
ever, with my short black sparkling dress. I loved black, it thins you instantly. I put the final
touches on and off I went to my choir concert without eating a single calorie. 'Thank God that's
over,' I said to my mom. 'I'm really worried about you,' said my mom 'What for, I eat!!'
'You look so unhealthy compared to all your other classmates. I didn't think it was that bad,
but your bones stick out from many feet away. Krista, I think we need to go see your doctor.'
'No Mom,' I am fine,' I said trying to convince her that I don't have a problem.

'I am very worried about Krista, Kent,' my mom said to my dad. I hated going to his house in
Madelia. He always made me eat huge portions, and he would make me sit there until they were all
gone. I cried, sat at the tables for hours, and told him I can't eat no more. 'JUST EAT,' my
dad would yell. Yeah I wish it was that easy, just to eat and you'll be cured, but its not, and
that's what people don't understand about an eating disorder, anorexia's feel like they
don't deserve to eat, or they are too fat to eat. After my dad made me eat that huge plate of food
I felt guilty and ashamed afterwards. He didn't know that he was hurting me more by forcing me to
eat that huge amount, even though all he was trying to do was to make his daughter healthy again. If
I ate a huge amount of food one day (which was barely ever) I would restrict myself from all food
for the next 2 weeks. My goal was 125lbs in the beginning, then it was 115lbs, then it was 110lbs
then I was able to get to 105lbs in 3months. I still felt like 160lbs when I look in the mirror with
disgust. Every body was saying my bones stuck out and everything, but in my eyes I did not see it.
'God look at this stomach,' grabbing my tummy with disgust, 'if only I could lose this much
more and I'll be good. I thought to myself, everything is wrong with my body. That's the
disease. 'Krista, you can come back with me. Will you step on the scale for me?' The nurse said.
'Sure' Of course I hated doing this. 103lbs the scale said. 'You lost 30lbs since the last
time you were here a month and a half ago' 'Yeah, I am watching what I eat', I said. 'We are
going to do a couple test on you,' she said. 'Now fist your hands and don't squeeze tight,'
she said, while she was getting the needle ready to take my blood. Of course she could not find a
vain to put the needle in, on the 3rd or 4th try she finally got it. No blood was coming out; she
gave me a big glass of juice and told me to drink that, and left the room. The doctor came in the
room and the first thing I remember him saying is, 'We are admitting you to the hospital Krista'
'What? No! Why? How could you?' were all my questions while I was sitting on the chair while the
tears were running down my face. 'You need help, Krista. You're not the only one with this, you
might be mad now but you will thank me in the long run. My mom and I left the clinic. 'All the
hospital is going to do is make me fat!' I didn't understand and I was upset as ever. I told
myself and everybody else that I will never let it get that bad to get admitted to the hospital, and
look at me, I let it take over my whole life, my whole person, I was not the same Krista anymore.
The first night in the hospital was nothing; they kept me on the 5th floor women's floor. I told
them I refused to eat that food because it's nasty and so on, and they listened, and didn't
force me. I saw my nutritionist one time while I was there. I always lied to her though, I would
tell her I would eat something, but really I wouldn't. She knew, but never said anything. After
two days being in the hospital, they released me and I didn't gain any weight! So I went home.
They think I'm cured in two days, Sweet! I was thinking to myself. ISJ was not specialized for
eating disorders. I looked up all the eating disorders hospitals of course they were all full and
booked, and way far away. At this time I new a needed help, I knew something was wrong with me. I am
not a normal person I felt like. After a week went by I went to the doctor again to try to get my
blood again. 'Come with me Ma'am.' Step on here please.' said the nurse while I was looking
at the green florescent picture of trees on the wall. '95lbs and 1 oz,' said the nurse. 'What
are you serious' I said out loud in shock, I never wanted to get less than 100lbs. The nurse did
not say another word to me. I heard the knock on the door, and in came the doctor. 'You have a
problem' explained the doctor. 'There are only certain people specialized for this disease'
'What? I have a disease now?' 'Yeah, but you can recover overtime, but you can't do it by
yourself, you are going to be staying up in ISJ until you need it.' 'Why can't we wait until
an actual eating disorder hospital opens?' I asked. 'Because Krista, you need help now. We
can't let you go another week. Your organs are already shutting down.' My heart skips beats, my
body is so dehydrated my body can't draw any blood; I am always dizzy, sometimes blacking out. I
feel like I live in a cave and I am never going to come out of it. The worse thing the doctor said
is I might have destroyed my organs so bad I might not be able to have children. Going up the
elevator at the hospital I just know they are going to keep me this time, I went to the 4th floor
mental health unit. 'What the hell, Mom, why am I on this floor? I am not crazy in the head' I
said in total confusion. 'Krista, you can come with me,' said the nurse behind that big brown
wooden desk. I said bye to my mom and she told me she would be there tomorrow. They buzzed me in
through a high security door because you know this is the floor for the 'crazy' people. I'm
not crazy, I just need some help that's all. The first thing I did was stepped on the scale.
'85.5 lbs,' the nurse said. How can I be that small when all I can see is fat? I still feel like
150lbs, and when I look in the mirror I see no bones, just fat! 'You need to eat all your meals in
this lobby and you have to sit in it an hour after your finish eating.' 'Wait, I am not a
bulimic, I have never puked up my food, 'You are at high risk for it and we just want to do what
we can,' I obeyed. I was not allowed to exercise, or go on walks. They restricted me from the
phone. They would only let me take a 5min shower maximum. I felt like I was a prisoner, like a
criminal, like I wanted this to happen to me? Like I just choose to have an eating disorder or
something? I hated the hospital and the nurses there. Nobody understood what I was going through,
and I just wanted to go home! After gaining 15lbs in 4 weeks they were able to release me, but trust
me you can't recover in just 4 weeks. I had a lot of complications and appointments because of my
eating disorder. I saw my nutritionist weekly, and I was finally honest with her about what I eat.
My weight still is a struggle for me and always will be because my mind set was food is an enemy,
but in reality you actually need it to live, to make your body function correctly; even though this
was all about three years ago I will suffer with the disorder for the rest of my life. I just need
to accept my body is not perfect. And it will never be.





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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

shywriter said...
Dec. 7, 2009 at 12:02 am
Wow. I can understand what you're going through. I'm fat too. Everyday I look in the mirror and think, "If only i was thin." The problem is i don't have the courage to convince myself to get up and exercise :P Anyways, being skinny doesn't mean you'll be beautiful. Everyone is beautiful in their own special way. They don't need to be skinny for it. Keep it up!
 
Megan Z. said...
Oct. 7, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I really enjoyed reading this article. I'm so sorry about the struggles you went through. Although I may not fully understand what you went through, I fully sympathize with you and admire you for your strength. I am very glad you reached acceptance... because nobody is perfect; you're right about that. Stay strong <3
 
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