The dark clouds have entered my mind again. They hold onto me tightly with the thoughts of depression, and they cause me to think of all the unfortunate things that have happened in my life. They cause me to think that I am apathetic, alone, and even insecure at times. They are triggered by being around certain things, even people. Things such as my home, and people such as those who promise many things but never do as they say. When one bad thought comes up more follow it, forming these dark clouds in my head and this depression in my mind. There are somedays when I can control it, somedays when I can remember what's good in life and the clouds slowly fade away back into the darkness. But otherdays I find myself on the brink of insanity with these thoughts. They trouble me so, making me feel like I am nothing.. The most troubling thing is that I'm always thinking. My mind plays everything within itself when one subject comes along. And on somedays I cannot stop the bad from getting to my mind, and also to my heart. I feel shattered and broken: a used up tool waiting and wanting to be finally tossed away. I can always depend on certain people around me to help me, but still, they cannot stop the thoughts from coming back for they are reoccurring. They form the dark clouds that cling onto my mind. A worse thing yet to come is the storm. The storm is when I cannot take the sadness anymore and the storm makes me turn to rage. The storm is truly a much worse, more uncontrollable hateful feeling than just the feeling of the dark clouds themself. When it occurs, my voice becomes louder than a lion's roar, and my strength becomes that of a titan. I feel no pain, and also feel no remorse for anything or anybody at this state. I become an animal by releasing the beast that is inside me, the beast that I so dearly try to hold inside. And, I have now started to worry what should happen if this storm would ever occur at the wrong place, at the wrong time. I worry that I will brutally hurt someone close to me. It's impossible to imagine, you would think that someone with my kindness and compassion can become someone so hateful and so destructive. But all it takes is just a strong enough push to unleash such fury, a strong enough push to unleash a monster. Will I ever be able to heal the pain inside of me, or will it simply eat at me; eat away my kindness, my compassion, and leave nothing, but my sorrow and rage? Please God, save me. For even though I have such high hopes and dreams for myself the truth is I do not know what I am honestly to become. Dear, God, save me.
God, save me
July 20, 2009