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my struggle: two years and counting

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I don't know who I am. I don't even really know why I'm here. I just know that I've been struggling for the past two years. Depression, cutting, binging, wanting to purge, hating myself, anti-depressants, and feeling lonely are just some of the things I have been struggling with.

I feel like I do try a lot, but it's usually never good enough for people. I try to be optimistic, I try to have a good time, I try to resist the plague of addictions I face, but not many of my friends seem to want to realize that I am trying. They all just tell me to stop being pessimistic, and to just loosen up and have fun.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not depressed all hours of the day, everyday. In fact, there are some days in which I am very happy. It's just that the feeling of happiness doesn't last more than a few days at the most, and then I'm back, finding myself falling again. I believe most of these feelings of depression come to me, because, inside, I am secretly very empty. I try to make myself look positive, and very full on the inside, but the truth of the matter is that I'm really not. To be honest, the only people who see me as unhappy and pessimistic, are my really close friends, because they know the real me.

Cutting has been my longest addiction, and purging my shortest. Cutting has taken over my life for almost two years now. I find myself so ashamed of my scars, and wishing that my arms and upper thighs were 'clean'. It's gotten so bad, that I'll have a strong urge to cut, even when I'm perfectly happy. However, I have been trying to stop. I have not cut in a few weeks, so I really am quite proud of myself.

I have only actually made myself throw up once, but I've attempted to do so twice, same with laxatives. I feel so disgusting, so ashamed, so worthless, when I begin to even think about doing these things to my body. I know the dangers of Bulimia, and I know that it slowly kills you, but even though I haven't done it much or have been doing it for very long, I still feel kind of dependent on purging. I'm really afraid that this is another habit in my life that is going to spiral out of control. First it was the cutting, then the binging, and now using laxatives and making myself throw up? I can't even believe this is really me; I feel like I'm trapped in someone else's body, because this new me, doesn't feel like me at all.

I used to be so happy, so carefree, so energetic and lively. I used to not give two cents about what people thought of me, or the way that I was dressed; I was just happy to be myself. The truth of the matter is, though, that I'm not that way anymore, and I can't go back into the past; Nobody can go back into the past.

I just have to pray everyday for the Lord to help me. I believe in him, and believe that I really can be rescued, and that he will be my rescuer. I have walked away from God for the past two years, and I feel like I need to renew my faith in him. I was so much happier when I had God in my life (back in elementary and middle school), and I am hoping to eventually find that happiness again, with the Lord on my side.





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TurtleWriter27 said...
Jul. 30, 2009 at 1:45 am
Hey, Listen to me. I understand you. !00% This is so like me, I swear that I could have written it.
Thank you so much for this
<3
At least I know I'm not alone.
 
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