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Help is on the way
1:20, just after Spanish and I was walking out of my social studies class room and down the long hall. my heart was way above usual .pounding as fast as the wings of a humming bird. my stomach had so many knots in it. why again must I go through with this?
I had already been pick up out of gym class by a counselor to "talk".Every time I became weak at the knees and want to collapse. Oh Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. Why must he always do the right thing and tell? The panic is worst than the feeling of drowning. As we walked, I was silent. She told me that some of my "friends" were worried about me. I was not really paying attention to her because I was trying to get the worried look off my face. We turned left and there we were in her room. I can't believe Tyler had told I made him promise. Would I need to run away now? I sat down and looked at her .good I finally had the knack of looking like I was happy and fine. She asked if I new why I was there I said no and she talked. about 45 minutes after some tears from "loosing my best friend" she said this is procedure for her to ask me if i cut myself or have suicidal thoughts. yeah right, she just told me a lie. this was so not procedure at all.
"No never, but people who do cut need help because there is a reason they do, and it is not right for people to make fun of them" and that was that. I thought yes finally no more. I couldn't believe that the counselor could not see through me and figure out that I was a cutter, depressed, anorexic, suicidal, abused, in pain and needed help. It was their job. It is sad when Tyler could see through my smile and into my sad eyes and they couldn't.
I was wrong I thought to my self as I stood waiting to see witch room I needed to go in to see the counselor. Maybe Tyler would be in there. That would make talking a lot easier just to see his glowing, beautiful face. I sat down almost collapsing from shaking so hard. I needed to walk. I walked to the nurses room and texted him in the bathroom," Tyler why Tyler please tell me you didn't, please", no respond. I walked back a took a seat down. all I could think of is why did I tell him? what compelled me to tell anyone? I walked in as the door opened. the mask was fully on now and I had stopped shaking. I had rolled up my sleeves but kept my wrists down. Did I cut this morning? I couldn't remember. Too late to see now.
I hoped that all of the bruises where covered. the ones on my arms were but how about my face?
I told him that my mom was bipolar in third grade and that I did cut. Wow, that was more than last time. How was I able to do that? He asked me if my parents ever hit me...I lied "no never, I love them" I told him how my adopted sister had to be taken away from us in October. I told him how my mom took it out on me by making me clean. truth but I didn't say the hole house every day before school. he asked me why I had moved five times. I said my dad's job. lie, it was because I had tried to get help three times and run way once. he asked me if I ever thought of suicide. my mind screamed yes. just last night I tried to kill my self but I stopped because Tyler and Travis face came into mind. they made me promise I wouldn't and unlike them I could break promises."No" was the last lie that day.
After, he had mentioned he knew my mom. He was friends with her. Oh no, would I be beat tonight for saying all that I did? Would I be locked in the closet? Hit with the belt. Be made to drink a cup of liquid soap so I can "clean" my "dirty" mouth? So many things that they could do to me ran through my head.
Is this why my mind would force me to lie? To not get help? because I knew deep inside that if my plan ever back fired my parents would suffocate me and burry me saying that we moved? I knew that to night as soon as they were done beating me I would kill myself.
Luckily, my dad only whipped me with a belt and my mom only beat me. I had a hand print on my face and a black eye when I got back to school. those were the only things I couldn't cover up with clothes. Tyler and Travis had both talked me out of killing my self last night. I would have to do the hardest thing in my life today.
I would have to lie to Tyler. I would have to tell him that I am with a different family so he would stop telling. I know he is trying to help but I can't get help I am broken beyond repair.
I only wish that in third grade when my teacher saw my mom pulling me by my hair and me crying she told someone.
For all of you, who are holding a secret like mine for a friend, tell. Yes, your friend may be mad. However, wouldn't you rather have a mad friend than a dead one?
Two weeks after i wrote this i got help.i am now living in a new house with a old friend. i am living with Tyler. Ther person who was there for me all along.