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Silent Screams

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Well, my day spiraled into a black hole from the moment I woke up this morning. I woke up in a, what’s the word, a depressive state-- saddened, dispirited mood. I dreaded facing the day. All I wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep. Sleeping my life away would have been nice. Unfortunately, my mother came in my room and woke me up, making it difficult to resume sleeping. So, I decided I guess I’ll try to face the day.

I trudged into my bathroom, securely locking the door behind me, and then turned on the shower with no intention of actually bathing yet. But, my family doesn’t bother me when they think I’m in the shower. I just wanted them to leave me alone. I didn’t need any confrontation from them when I was already emotionally unstable. I caught a glimpse of my ghastly reflection in the mirror and then began to sob. Tears streamed down my colorless cheeks, having a false sense that sadness can be washed away with tears. With each tear drop my eyes and face became increasingly red and swollen. As seconds progressed I didn’t feel any better, I actually felt somewhat worse. I collapsed to the floor, crying into the palms of my hands. I felt so alone, terribly alone, as if I’m the only one still trapped in this thing called life. I quietly wished to myself that someone would just come hold me, hold me so tightly that it would be hard for me to breathe and never let me go. I desperately wanted someone to wipe my tears away and positively assure me that everything would be alright. That they would help me though this and wouldn’t stop until I was okay again. Until I was able to smile again without pain. Nobody came to my rescue though, as usual. Nobody cares about a girl with a broken soul, somebody so easily forgotten...

Without hesitation I grabbed my weapon of choice that I hide so secretly where my mother can’t find it. I ran my fingers gently over the double-edged razor blade to make sure it was still sharp after many times of previous use. With teary eyes and blurred thoughts I slowly pulled up the sleeve of my sweatshirt revealing numerous pink, swollen scars from all my other “bad days.” I gripped the blade in my hand as I searched for a place to add yet another wound. I finally laid eyes on a spot located on my upper arm. I took a deep breath, cleared all the thoughts from my mind, and with one, slow, painful swipe I cut my flesh, clenching my teeth the entire time so no one would hear me gasp in agony. I continuously did that until my skin was so numb from the pain that I couldn’t feel it anymore, and all I could see was crimson fluid on the surface of my skin. I ran to my shower and stuck my arm under the faucet, watching with relief as the clear water quickly transformed to a dark scarlet red. The pressure of the water hitting my incisions stung a little, but it was no pain that I haven’t endured before. I bandage myself up with a wad of toilet paper and a few hair elastics to keep the dressing in place. Then suddenly dizziness overtook my body and I thought to myself that it must be from my lack of eating. I could feel the emptiness in the pit of my stomach, probably eating away at my insides to survive. I pulled my sleeve down careful not to move the toilet paper out of place, and then concealed my disaster with a smile. Nobody will ever know the truth...





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

pinksage33 said...
Jul. 1, 2009 at 12:26 am
This is Amazing!!! keep wrighting!!!
 
musicgirl757 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 24, 2009 at 7:21 pm
This is horrifying and beutiful. It shows the truth and anger of a depressed person. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You really have talent with writting and it is written with so much emotion, I love it. This is brilliant.
 
rawr5 replied...
Dec. 28, 2009 at 7:57 pm
your comment says it all,i couldn't hav said it better
 
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