May 13, 2009
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I am feeling very emotional lately. Can I talk to you? Can I tell you about my worries and my fears? Can I tell you about my hearts most repeated phrases? Can I tell you about my guts feelings; my minds most wishful desires? I fear that I am alone, I fear that I need to cry...I fear that I don't know my heart or my guts difference. I fear that my strange nameless pain can only be numbed and temporally forgotten. For moments at a time I feel at ease, for moments at a time I feel okay. But moments don't last long enough to know true happiness. They don't last long enough to dim the fear of my hardest obstacles. I am young, I'm pure, I haven't seen real heart ache yet. I don't know what the real world is. I live sheltered by these moments that freeze me in time. I live some how frozen in the good, completely absent of what really makes me come alive. While even ignoring the reality, and living in a perfect icicle of hope- I still - don't feel as though I am alive. I am afraid i don't know how to wear a smile for myself, but only for the mannequins around me. My gut feels I am okay, my heart keeps repeating that I am not. My mind only wishes I could know the difference.

Am I alive?

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