My Savior, My Killer, My Closest Friend

By
Dear obsession of the past,

You held my hand and lead the way. Little did I know you were leading me astray. You said you loved me and held me tight. You promised to keep me warm through the night. Good times and bad my thoughts were of you. Of hiding you and hating you, but needing you too. The thought of someone knowing my secret pain tore my heart open and made me turn vain. Turning away friends and pushing past family all too try and keep you happy. You gave me an escape of dealing with emotions. You struck me a deal, if I promised to serve you I would never hut again. No longer did I have to feel the pain that held me prisoner inside. When the nightmares came to haunt and kill you were there as what I thought a power of my own will. I let you in deep into my heart. Little did I know the disease of you had start. You spread through my body infested my mind taking and killing all the good you could find. “It’s your fault" you would tell me "why do you deserve life?" And soon I believed you and stopped caring. Pain bounced off of me, joy was gone already. Hate for myself consumed every fiber of me. Your lies washed over me, brain washed me, and tortured me. I though of your words as my savior of life even though I knew they were laced with loaded lust. At first I thought it was for my love and health, but it was only lust for my pain, my suffering and hurt. You fed off my dying, rotting will. Soon you weren’t just in my mind you took control and left my voice behind. I knew something had gone astray but I was too weak to go my own way. My life source rotted my energy depleted you my friend had become my executioner. You screamed out on my arms and fed your voice through my blood. I gave up and let you take and take all that made me me. In return I wanted friend ship and help to my end. But you gave me nothing no choice and cornered me into a dead end. What I thought was an escape, an easy way out tore me apart cut for cut deeper and deeper, that’s all you were about. You were killing me slowly but what I didn’t know was my friends and family were next to go. You made me torture them and push their love away. But no matter what they would only stay. By my side through this treacherous ride against time and a foe that would never let me go. Soon the hate for myself was no longer alone, but the hate for those interfering pulled me along. I loved my family and hate to see them hurt. But no longer was I me, no longer in control. You infested my mind, programmed me not to care. My thoughts were my hell that I wanted to end. But you were inside me clutching me tight keeping my mind always right in your sights. No longer were you my friend but my obsession. Escaping from you was out of the question. For you were around me blocking me from life. Keeping me from freedom or flight. Life had no meaning, no longer did I care. The day to day routine was just my cover to share. You took everything you could possibly grab. Until I was a shell no longer a soul I had. My innocence gone, I knew what you were about. So the only way I could kill you was kill your source of life. I tried; oh god, I tried to save my family and memory. But you beat the pills you tore apart my will. I was still you slave and saw no hope. Finally I reached the end of my rope. Morning light was such a terrifying sight, because I knew you would be by my side soon. Not long later you were punishing me, cruelly and relentlessly for trying to take control. You beat me inside tore all I had left. Turned my life into one big theft. Left me with nothing but numb, no longer had I feeling in my soul. But in this shock I realized you had taken me to the edge and I needed to fight. If I wanted to live I had to earn the right. You heard my thoughts because you were never far away. And shot my idea down with another dose of hate. You were like my drug I could never quit. I knew you were wrong but fight back I never did. You would have defeated me you know that right? You were sure as hell strong enough to take my life. But something stood just stronger than you. It took a while to recognize it but soon it helped me see. Everything you had ever done to me. Their love was willing to fight no matter how long, and try to make me see that you were wrong. But I already knew you were wrong but you kept me close and blinded my sight. But somehow, somewhere, I got a glimpse of the light. Shining from a family standing so bright. With one feeble hand, and the last of my strength, I grasped on to a sliver of a second chance. A chance to kill you and stand on my own. The struggle continued each day a trial, but I wanted to live, no longer in denial. Until the day I was finally able to see the real, pathetic you. What I saw was your evil you manipulative hate, and undeniable strength. And how you twisted me till I was ready to die. But behind that façade I could see your lie. Your cowardice stood on the front ledge. You preyed on the weak; you hunted on those near the edge. I was not your first nor will I be your last. But I know you know, I know your lies. But know that you may never come back. Facing you I took back my strength. The passion and emotions I had once suppressed came flooding back wave after wave. I knew I couldn’t handle this all on my own. But also I knew I never had to. My family stood by me holding me up. When I was weakest they were there to bring me up. Soon I was done and ready to talk, to speak, the words that plagued, and poisoned my mind. And within those words I found my peace. Being able to feel and make your voice cease. You took my hand and held me tight and pulled me to my slow excruciating death. Your fingerprints will forever cover my arms, but now you lay on your back in remorse looking up at me for the first time, and begging me. Begging me for forgiveness and to forget. To forgive and forget the hurt and the pain you cause me and my family. And maybe I would have for I was still weak. And I would have let you back in to my heart, to control and to kill and take what you will. But the tears that fell as blood drops to the ground from the eyes of the family I love stuck out in my mind. Forever will stain my memory as a firm reminder that you are not welcome and you are never welcome. That you don’t only hurt and destroy your host but the ones around them, the ones who care. No, I tell you that pain will never be forgotten, will never be forgiven, but will be remembered and learned from. In ways I want to thank you, tell you I love you, my dearest friend, for you made me stronger. You tore me apart and forced me put my self back together. You almost killed this family but now we stand strong. Against you and for you. And all you did wrong. No more will you reside in the heart of this family. The doors of our hearts now stand locked to you. The ghosts you left behind in our eyes and my arms will stand as a reminder that we grew so strong. You ghost will haunt our memories and maybe even come back in our dreams. But with time you will fade into only a lesson replaced by the love that this family holds. I defeated you against all odds; I am stronger than you, don’t try to come back because you will be pushed back down. No longer am I your prisoner and never again will I be. You were my friend, you were my killer, and you were my savior. No you are only my past.
I will always remember you,





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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

Ashley S. said...
Jun. 14, 2009 at 3:15 am
Thank you so much Jaqiue! you have no idea how much it means to me that you thouhg this was something worth looking at! I hope you have as many smiles as you gave me!
 
Jaquie This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 22, 2009 at 11:51 am
That was amazing. The way you deal with this struggle on, most likely, a day-to-day basis and still manage to overcome it... I am practically bowing to your superiority. I remember a time where my thoughts were as open and freely given as this but I lost it long ago. Your writing just steps over the bounds, and lines, and limitations, that people have conformed classical poetry to be. Words have been denied there meaning these days... But you disregard all that and take these words, these though... (more »)
 
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