My Modest Proposal

March 6, 2009
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With a heavy heart I come before you, truly astonished by our state of affairs. It has nothing to do with inadequate school systems, the failing economy, or even the moral corruption of this great nation. No, this issue surpasses all else in a matter of urgency. It must be addressed: I am speaking, of course, about cellulite. I nearly feel faint at the sight of this abomination, but we all know that it is a serious detriment to our society. Simply speaking, we must stop cellulite before it takes over the world.

Physical appearances are the determinate factor of human existence; we have always striven to measure our fellows, not by their mental capacity, but by their waist size. By using a keen eye, we are able to discern his worth at a mere glance (although it may take a second look to determine shoe size). Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, it is skin and bones and preferably nothing else. We all know this; however, it has become clear to me that many Americans have lapsed into a blatant disregard for their own self images. I see it every day: people eating, eating from 1 to 3 times a day. Why, just last week, I saw a girl walking about in public looking as if she had just splurged on a full meal! Her body fat must have been as much as 1 or 2 percent. I could hardly keep my composure. I honestly don’t know how these people live with themselves.

This issue has plagued me day and night. Is there no self respect in the world? Is there any chance of recovery? Can that girl I saw last week ever hope to be beautiful? Its not just our appearances which are at stake, it’s our reputations, and our very lives. Why has the internet become so widely used in recent years? Why do students drop out of school, and mothers stay at home with their children instead of starting a career? People who are overweight (with 2% body fat or more) can’t stand social exposure and feel they must isolate themselves from the world. Thus, cellulite affects us, controls us, and ultimately keeps us from a life of happiness.

After careful consideration, I propose that we take measures to rid society of unsightly cellulite while simultaneously promoting higher self esteem among its victims. Dieting and exercising will never be able to conquer the mass proliferation of fat which has infiltrated our systems. Therefore, I propose that we destroy the source of all our anxieties. We must avoid food all together. By hindering fat intake, we will slowly but surely achieve that slim, healthy image which we all crave. Food is the enemy here-we must never forget that it is the reason for our obesity.
I suggest that we outlaw the production and distribution of food as the first order of business. We must closely censor the public to insure cooperation and after a month or two, a national assessment team will take a survey to determine how things are going. Our goal will not have been achieved until every American has purged himself to perfection.

If you are not entirely convinced that my proposal will be a success, let me assure you that anorexia is an easy, effective means to weight loss. Take Anne Sexton, Karen Carpenter, or Christy Henrich for examples. Each was able to slim down considerably thanks to the method I propose. Cellulite does not have to be an issue for us, and I whole heartedly believe that my proposal will do wonders for those of us who have a physical condition. I myself do not necessarily suffer from unwanted fat, so obviously won’t be participating with my fellow Americans on this exciting endeavor. But I wish you all well.

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kiathe2 said...
Dec. 23, 2009 at 12:15 am
as a recovered teenage anorexic, i was about to yell my head off on here until i recognized the sarcasm. the sad thing is, someone in the world could and would write this seriously.
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