A stolen page from Mother Nature’s cookbook.
Recipes (for Disaster)
1. Toxic Seafood Stew
Humanity will face a critical juncture where it decides the future of its kind. To aid them in executing their choice, I have compiled a guide. Heralded as “A sure shot way to destroying the planet”; learn how to transform healthy oceans, which sustain mankind, into noxious bodies of putrefying fluid. Simple, efficient and already in progress, this recipe will surely render the oceans and the people who depend on it ‘dead.’
Warning: May cause loss of livelihood for countless people.
• A pound of insensitivity
• Mounds of assorted plastic
• A drizzle of oil
• Corpses of dead fish
• Pungent sewage to taste
• Tears of melting icebergs
• Handful of Millennial angst
Directions: (to mass extinction)
• Accelerate global warming to bring the oceans to a full boil.
• Add ignorance and insensitivity into the pot by tabling resolutions, limiting awareness and co-operation. Cook by coupling rising global tensions and rising temperatures. Pour a handful of environmentalist outrage to increase temperatures, as required.
• For the plastic: indulge your creative side and experiment with finely chopped micro-plastics, bags, bottles, takeout containers, nets, needles, spoons, forks, and more. Make sure you add ample amounts, as necessary, for various animals to asphyxiate to death.
• Sprinkle oil and continue to stir. Bathe the cerulean waters in streaks of charcoal. Stain the delicate feathers of marine birds and leave more animals gasping for breath.
• Stir the boiling mixture of chaos and trash. Add sewage in sporadic bursts to create creeping dead zones and annihilate marine bio-diversity. This will ensure collapse of marine eco-systems and add more corpses which contribute to the flavour. Add millennial angst to spice it up (for some it won’t make a difference.)
• Emit toxic gases to aid acidification; this will give a burning flavour to the stew. Strip the enchanting corals of their colour as a bonus.
• Continue with harmful fuel subsidies; this adds to the smoky flavour.
• Strain clean water and other marine organisms that survived these onslaughts. Also, remove future potential for harnessing ocean resources.
• Serve hot with a side of crippling coastlines and junkyard beaches
The recipe is key to transforming sparkling waters into a boiling stew, emitting a nauseous stink, laden with floating corpses.
The recipe is extremely delicate and susceptible to ocean-sympathetic propaganda. Ensure that the general populace is unaware of the fate of their children. They must not get a whiff of the chronic condition of the oceans.
Hope it satisfies humanity’s hungry greed. Follow the recipe carefully and wave a healthy future goodbye!