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A Satirical Modest Proposal for Plastic Pollution

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FOR PREVENTING THE ESCALATION AND LONG TERM PERPETUATION OF PLASTIC POLLUTION


It is a melancholy  subject to the wildlife of this planet and those who actually strive to preserve it, today our oceans have over 280 million tons of plastic waste within it.  Many different types of wildlife are affected “ the impact of plastic pollution through ingestion and entanglement of marine fauna, ranging from zooplankton to cetaceans, seabirds and marine reptiles” (Marcus Erickson ). The plastic pollution could almost be its own continent, on the bright side that means more room for us and our wonderful waste.             


I think it is agreed by all parties that the life threatening occurrence of plastic pollution is the worst possible thing to happen to the wildlife of our world’s oceans. Those who find a method that is actually useful and can slow the fast paced pollution definitely deserve a shiny and expensive metal, or maybe just a little golden star sticker.


But my intention is far from being confined to provide only for the betterment of the environment;  making the world healthier with little work for the human race. This will make the animals wonderful unpaid minions capable of cleaning the world's oceans, while the human race can sit back and no longer stress over not needing to clean our mess.


As to my own part, I have studied the proposals of the other projectors, and concluded that they are not nearly as efficient as they claim to be. Teaching meal worms to eat plastic? Genius right? While we are trying to stop sea life from eating the plastic and dying, let's just teach something else instead to eat the plastic, that is true scientific thinking right there. The study found “ in the field testing of the mealworms capabilities might prove difficult because they are an appealing dinner [ to many species], “  ( Elizabeth McGowan), obviously they can’t be munching on plastic if they are themselves being munched on. Another proposed idea was Tracking trash, by putting a six month lasting batteries in the trash items. The idea has not been tested in tracking trash on the water but “ It is possible the same technology could be used,” ( Michelle Sigler).  Yeah don’t worry guys I am sure the environment can wait for you .


I will now present my own idea, which I hope will not be subject to any disagreement. I propose we teach the sea animals how to recycle, since we humans obviously have some difficulty learning how to throw our trash in the proper places why not another species do it for us? Besides It is about time the animals help out, they live here too right? Us humans have already done so much for this planet, the other species need to step it up. My idea would make our world’s oceans much cleaner, since the animals can get down into the farthest crevesas humans can’t reach. If they do a good enough job maybe we can teach the land animals how to clean our houses!


I humbly offer it to public consideration that humankind as a cohesive and cooperative unit should begin collecting sea animals, from the tiniest plankton to the largest whale and bring them to your local animal trainer, nets and trucks are the most useful way of collecting and transporting. The trainers will then start a six week class with the animals,  the first two weeks consisting of teaching them the importance of recycling and why they should do it. Weeks three and four will show the animals the different tools they will use and how to use them, Narwhals and Sword fish will have special jobs that consist of using their sharp body parts to stab the trash. Finally weeks five and six the animals will take a series of tests and show multiple demonstrations in order to be released back into the wild, of course the animals will have to report back the amount of trash they pick up.
In this scenario: The world’s oceans will be spotless within only a few years  , sea animals will have nicer living conditions and humans will continue doing what they do while the animals use their new skills to clean up after the humans, meaning we no longer need to be responsible for the trash we leave on beaches going into the oceans and Great lakes.


Of course this would make humans and animals live in complete peace. There will be no more war, animals will no longer maul and attack humans,the hippies will no longer complain outside local government buildings, and the coral reefs can begin coming back from the dead. This idea will cause all our worldly problems, even the ones we didn’t think even related to the ocean being polluted!


These drastic and sudden changes may cause some problems, such as throwing off a whole ecosystem’s food chain.  This problem is very minimal  compared to the actual problem trying to be solved


I can think of no valid objection that may be  introduced to antagonize this proposal unless it be about the possibility of the animals revolting or refusing to do any sort of work, meaning that nothing would be accomplished and millions of taxpayer dollars wasted, but only such an idea will be able to do the job and keep the world clean.


again , no one should dare suggest these notations to me unless they have a small spark of hope that these actions may be implemented


It is not that i do not respect the input of others on the subject of solutions to this topic, but simply that  my idea spent many weeks to formulate, hours of research spent, and many class periods spent writing about such topic. I believe that my idea is the only feasible and effective solution to plastic pollution in the oceans since more than one species will be involved in the cleanup process.




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