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Music is my only god

Life truly is just like a roller coaster.
It has its ups-and downs. But a some roller coasters have loops, curves, and even upside-downs. They strap you in and you get a sick feeling for what lies ahead. You know there is no turning back, that you have to face what is ever is about to come. In most situations you probably come off feeling sick. Very sick.

Yet, I still find happy moments with music.

Bitter. I am so bitter to the world. To the people in it, to the way it functions, to everything. I'm so bitter. So give me music, let it consume all of me and let me consume all of it. It will guide me and make me feel passions only music can make me feel. There is no god, music is my only god. There is no faith for angels, only words to scream out when you know there is no one who can save you.
I'm bitter,
Don't come to me looking for sympathy. Don't come to ME complaining about things. Don't go around acting like you know something about PROBLEMS. Just let me blast my music, let me scream the lyrics till my throat and ears bleed.

Yet, I still find happy moments with music.

My whole life my dad has been drunk. My whole life my dad has mistaken me for someone I'm really not. I'm not the athlete like my older brother he wants me to be. Nor am I the person he wanted his daughter to be. I'm goofy. I like humor and I like loud music. Dad, you have no idea how many nights I've spent in my bed bawling my eyes out, tearing at my hair, wishing the pain you cause me would just stop.
You've been drunk all my life. You've has missed out on my moments of self glory. You put me down. You kill the wonderful atmosphere my music and humor brings me. Your entire existence revolves around your basement television and the beer fridge down the hall.

Yet, I still find happy moments with music.

For all the times you've hit me. For all the times you've called me terrible names. One time you drug me down the f***ing hall by hair! For all the times you never listened. For ever beer you've drank, you lost me. You lost me. I'm gone now. My future is bright and it doesn't include you.
It is because of you I avoid mirrors. It's because of you I will move on and never look back. You've made me so strong. You've made me so smart.
Some nights I don't sleep. I remember last summer there was days I completely lost track of time. Days melted together. I hardly came out of my room. I kept my Curran closed. I sat in there and hide from your disapproval. I made sure not to let myself see you take one more drink. I never slept.
And some days I don't wake up. I sleep for hours, and hours. Because the cruelty of reality is too much to bear when your dad loves his drunkenness more than you.

Yet, I still find happy moments with music.

Maybe if my I had a relationship with my mom I could talk to someone besides myself about my problems. Mom, maybe if you hadn't messed up so many times I wouldn't live in a fantasy world. Maybe if you hadn't cheated on dad so many times. Maybe if you could function without him! MAYBE! BUT YOU CANNOT!


Everyone could see how angry I was to my mother. But how could I not be? She was making ME out to be the villain and her the victim! It was like I was being shut down for trying to do the right thing. Why did my own mom hate me for something she did? SHE dragged me into knowingly! SHE made the mistake! SHE would rather let me look like the bad guy instead of be embarrassed!

And then I cracked. The truth finally came out.

Yet, I still find happy moments with music.

This is the part of my life where the problem of My dad's drinking and my mom's over spending crashed head on. It was like a never ending, terrible cycle. Mom cheats because my dad drinks. Dad drinks because my mom cheats. No one wanted to be at fault.
Mom, I remember all the terrible names I called you when you threatened to leave. All the ugly words I threw at you. You had no defenses or excuses for yourself. You had nothing. YOU lost.
But so had I.
Our house was left with broken relationships.

Yet, I still find happy moments with music

Mom, you'll never learn will you? That man is a bad, bad man. He has said things to me that still haunt me to this day. How can you sleep with a man who tells me those strange things? I'm your daughter and you chose him over me. Just like dad chose beer over me.

Good thing I have music

Dad, you went to jail finally. Everyone was sad. No one could move on. Except for me. You and mommy are bad at learning lessons aren't you? Well I'm not. I'm learning everyday just how not to be. I love you mom and dad, but maybe not as much as I love music. Music won't judge me, cut me with words, hit me, make me hate myself. Music only heals.

I'm still finding happy moments with music.

It wasn't long after that I began having thoughts. No, not suicide. I had come to be so familiar with those thoughts that they really only occurred to me when I was bored. My thoughts were drugs. My mother had some pain killers from a surgical procedure done on her back. I to this day am not certain what it was they were. All I know is they made me high. Very, very high. If you've never felt the sensation of a high let me paint you a picture. Imagine your world has just crumbled to the ground, then someone comes and lights the remains on fire. Now get high, and your world, although still burned, doesn't feel pain. Nothing matters. Nothing bad exists. If I took one pill, I was bouncing off the walls with excitement. If I took two, I would lye there, high in my bedroom, afraid if I moved the wonderful numbness would fade or be disturbed. My habits went from medications to smoking marijuana. My simple defense when my friends and brother found out was "Yeah, but I don't drink or party I just at home and watch movies, sleep, and study cosmology."

One of my strong point as a writer is my conclusions, my wrap ups in stories. I always seem to be able to find the words to leave a satisfied feeling with myself after finishing a piece. This time, however, is regretfully different. This time there is no conclusion other than Dad still drinks a lot and my mom and I have a lot of healing left to do. Weed is still a part of my life. I feel terrible for leaving you with a feeling of unease with my story, so I will give you only this. Advice.

Life truly is just like a roller coaster. It has its ups-and downs. But a some roller coasters have loops, curves, and even upside-downs. They strap you in and you get a sick feeling for what lies ahead. You know there is no turning back, that you have to face whatever is about to come. In most situations you probably come off feeling sick. Very sick.

Life's roller coasters are inevitable. The ups downs, loops, curves, and upside-downs are inevitable. But the attitude you have towards it is not. You may get on feeling terrified, and you may get off feeling damaged. But you don't have to. Life is all about perspective. Get on that roller coaster with a positive outlook. Look forward to the challenges. Let go of the bar, close your eyes, scream, lose yourself in the moment. Get off that ride, and join me in line for another trip in this crazy journey we call "Life."

"If your whole existence doesn't revolve around music, you're doing it wrong."




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