Hey Arizonans! Sick of driving hours to reach anything resembling a proper beach? It is a problem that many land locked states experience, but recent discoveries have yielded a solution. Made well-known by the ridiculed documentary An Inconvenient Truth, global warming is actually anything but inconvenient for the Arizonan lacking the funds or transportation to make it all the way to California. Sure, the polar ice cap may disappear, but you know what all that extra water is going to do? Flood California and bring the beaches right up to our waiting toes! Yes, that’s right, global warming is a force of good that will soon be coming to the rescue of boring spring breaks for thousands of ASU students.

Local beaches are not the only benefit to allowing the oceans to swell into Arizona. Rather than students flying and driving all over the country to escape over vacations, having the ocean nearby would help save on airline tickets and gas money. Not paying for all that transportation is much easier on our miniscule college budgets. The ocean breezes would make summers here so much more bearable, and they would take care of Phoenix’s pollution problem as all our smog would simply be carried off over the Pacific. Rather than paying to dump in landfills, trash and biohazardous materials could be discarded by boat far enough out in the waves that beachgoers would never notice. A desalinization plant could even be built and our golf courses would never lack water! Oh the possibilities!

I know, I know, you’re worried about Hollywood, The Governator, and Californians in general. Celebrities will simply have to bring their red carpets to Phoenix. Their arrival would create thousands of jobs and bring endless revenue to the city. Arnold can become a bodybuilder/ movie star /politician in a state that won’t end up like Atlantis. As for the millions of Californian citizens… well, they’re bad drivers anyway, and population control is a pressing problem, right? The polar bears will be okay too. The government can turn the EPA into an Evacuating Polarbears by Airlift department. The adorable white bears will end up in Antarctica where they can make friends with all the dancing penguins.

Still not sure about this? Still thinking about Al Gore and his terrifyingly large graphs of global temperatures and statistics about carbon dioxide levels? First, all the negative hype about global warming being a bad thing is actually just communist propaganda. Second, we need more carbon dioxide to feed all those trees that environmentalists keep telling us to plant. Third, everyone likes warmer temperatures anyways. Finally, imagine sitting on A Mountain and watching the sun set over the water or water skiing straight from Tempe Town Lake into white-crested waves. Convincing, eh?

Now that you can see all the benefits of global warming, we really need to get a move on. I don’t know about you, but I only have three years left here, and I would much appreciate spending the majority of them with the coastline mere miles away. So, leave your lights, your computers, your TVs, and your paper shredders on all the time! Plug in that blow drier! Leave the fridge hanging open during the summer! Turn the heat to 88 in the winter! Buy food produced only on the other side of the world! Take the elevator instead of the stairs! Demand cars that get a mere 10 miles to the gallon! Vote for increased subsidies for coal and oil companies! Use so many Christmas lights that astronauts can see your house from space! Together, we can move oceans!