About a little while ago, I used to struggle with bullying. A significant after effect of that was that I feel into a deep depression, and developed Anxiety Disorder. I used to have a lot of negative thoughts. I’ve cut myself before, I’ve beaten myself up. I’ve had a panic attack in the back of a car. I’ve attempted suicide and running away. That all kind of changed once I had my defining moment. My most defining moment happened for me this year. It was one of those days that had started out with me waking up from crying. I stayed home because of the headache. The day stretched on and on as if god was punishing me for my tears. It occurred to me that at the age of 15 my life wasn’t going the way I wanted.
I ran my hand across my scars and wounds thinking to myself how I could have let this happen to myself. I thought about how everyone at school saw me as this girl that was constantly smiling and happy. Deep down however I was fighting myself everyday. I thought about all my pain and all the useless tears I’d have cried over the year. Then it hit me, I didn’t have to live this way. I was such a contradiction. I constantly told other people how amazing they were, how they should learn to love themselves above others. Meanwhile I myself couldn’t even look myself in the eyes anymore. I could actually be happy with myself, and love myself the way I told others to do. So I decided that I needed to take the first step to make a change. Starting with getting out of my bed, deciding it was time that I stopped wallowing in my own self pity. If I wasn’t happy with my life and my behavior the only one that could change it was me.
You see life goes by fast, and sometimes we have to slow down to realize how to make the moments last. I had wasted so much of my time being depressed and trying to get out of my life, that I didn’t spend any of it trying to make each day better than the last. I feel like I grew up that day. I learned the type of person that I really wanted to be. Nobody wants to be the sad depressed kid that smiles everyday just to keep from having a mental break down.
It’s like my friend says “an artist doesn’t always paint everything you want to get out of a picture, sometimes its up to you to see everything else that you need.” These days I work harder to control my feelings. Don’t get me wrong there still are those times when I look at the mirror and hate what I see. But it’s easier now, I feel like I’m finally starting to get things out of life. I’m finally enjoying my days at school for real, loving almost every moment. I may be a chubby, uncoordinated, dorky, messy girl; but my defining moment helped me see something in me that I could never see in my mirror. It showed me something that you could only find while looking threw your heart.