The Decision

April 15, 2013
It was a cool, calming afternoon in the fall. I was about to go to college, but I knew there was one more thing I had to do. I had to give away the one thing I loved more than anything in this whole world. This one decision would change my whole life. It would turn my world upside down and inside out.
Celdan and I have been best friends since my freshman year of high school. We met through show choir. Over the years, we have had our ups and downs, just like any friendship would. Sadly we had more downs. I went from feeling loved and free to hated and enslaved. I was whipped with Celdan's words. Celdan was once my savior from all my problems, but soon transformed into my worst nightmare. I don’t know why I stuck around for as long as I did. I have asked myself that very question and never found an answer.
So I asked Celdan to meet me on the stage of the auditorium. The lights were on and I looked out into the empty audience. I realized that for the past four years of my life I had been acting. Simply pretending I was happy with my life, when deep down, I knew I wasn’t.
He finally walked in and my heart sank. He had a big smile on his face. He ran up to me and gave me one of the best hugs I have ever gotten. I always loved his hugs. They always made me feel so loved, respected, cared for, needed… So needless to say I hugged him back with the same love that I felt for him. That’s one thing that has always been mutual. We both love each other to death.
I can honestly say I can’t picture my life without him. He has been there for me when no one else has been. He knows me better than anyone else in this world….Maybe even better then I know myself. He knows all the things that I keep buried deep down inside myself. The most confusing part of this is the fact that I am scared. Scared of change, well, with this at least. All I have known is the verbal and emotional abuse that he has given me. The suicide threats, the threats of him leaving me forever because I am not good enough, the way he talks to me as if I have split personalities. He says he never truly insults me because when I do something he feels is worth punishing me for, that it’s not truly me. He says it’s just some twisted monster in the REAL MALLORY’s body. Even knowing all this I am scared of what comes next.

After our hug, I pulled away and smiled a sort of half-done smile. I took a deep breath and began to speak. He cut me off immediately and asked me to stop. To please not say what I was about to say. I paused and looked around for a second. I couldn’t stand to look him in the face anymore. My emotions were all so hard to piece together. Everything I felt contradicted itself. I love him, but he hurts me. He has never left my side, but at what cost? I began to turn away and he grabbed me. He turned me around and made me look him in the eye. “Mallory! You need to stop and listen to me!” He said. I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand to go through this again. It’s happened to many times before. I struggled to pull out of his grip.
“No Celdan! You stop and listen to me! I am done. I can-” I stopped. I got all choked up. I took a deep breath and continued. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s not worth it. I love you Celdan. I always have and I always will. But sometimes love just isn’t strong enough.” I could see his heart sink. It made me sick to my stomach to know that I hurt the person I love the most. He tried to pull me in for a hug but I pulled away. So instead he kissed me on the forehead.
I turned and began to walk away. “Mallory” he said. I didn’t reply and kept walking. He kept pleading for me to not go…That he would change and be the man I needed him to be. Once I reached the steps I turned around and whispered “Goodbye Celdan. I love you babe.” I left the stage and I walked down the isle of the auditorium. Celdan was left on the stage staring at me as I walked away. A tear ran down my face. Right before I left, I turned the lights off. I took a deep breath, held my head high and I walked out.
Sometimes a person has to realize that they deserve better than the abuse they have grown used to. That’s what I did. I knew life would be hard without Celdan by my side but I knew that it was the best choice for me. Can I ever truly get rid of him? I know that he will always be inside me. Leaving me with the memories of our past. As lonely as I would feel, and have felt for a very long time, it will all (hopefully) turn out to be worth it in the end.

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