Its 7:30 in the morning, time to start another long tiring day. What’s on the days agenda? “Morning ugly,” a voice similar to my own greets. Oh, how could I forget? It’s 7:30 time for my thoughts to wake up. Shower check, hair check, teeth check, lookin’ good. “Don’t get too excited normal hygiene can only go so far,” it says. I walk away from that situation and go downstairs for breakfast. “What to eat, what to eat?” There’s toast, cereal, or oatmeal hmm... “How about nothing, you don’t really need to eat. I mean look at you,” it says. I think I’ll just grab a piece of fruit, and go on my way. Sometimes it’s better to compromise so it’ll just shut up for a moment. It’s 8AM and I’m on my way to school, my first day as a third grader at Tiger Elementary. Don’t let the smiling faces and colorful playground fool you. This place is a jail. I arrive at my first class, “Hey the loser’s back!” says one of my fellow peers. I turn around, but who I am fooling I know they’re talking about me. I’ve been the loser, chubby, crybaby since kindergarten. One of the other kids takes the initiative to knock me down in the hallway… Yup school has officially started. 2:50PM after enduring a day of paper being thrown at me, being shoved into the mud, and the class purposely leaving me out of yet another game of tag I can finally go home. But if school is a jail then home is a prison, at school I don’t expect the other kids to be on my side whereas at home expectations are never met. So to that I decide to walk home. “Why don’t the other kids like me?” I ask myself. “Because you’re a loser, you don’t fit in and you never will. Just face your too ugly.” I don’t know why I ask myself questions. I walked right into that one, but these are my thoughts... there bound to be right, right? I contemplate this until I get to the door, where I am greeted by condescending smiles and eyes filled with disappointment. That used to bother me, but the title of family disgrace is something I’ve grown accustomed to. Its 6pm I’ve finished my homework, done all of my chores, and have fantasized about looking like the people on T.V. it’s time for me to go to bed, alone with my thoughts. “You know maybe when you wake up you won’t be so ugly… who am I kidding you’ll always look like that,” Fast forward 3 years. It’s 7 am and I’m getting ready for my first day at Grover Middle school. The first day wasn’t terrible No one called me loser, crybaby, or anything really. For once my thoughts didn’t speak. Maybe I finally did grow out of my ugly. This went on for the first semester. I even made friends too! I now know what it feels like to fit in, to be liked. At least that’s what I thought at first, but then life got weird. My friends were just like me, an extremely negative group of individuals, verbally abused by peers and family. Then, at that moment, I believed my friends were perfect. Except they kept trying to get me to cut myself just as they do. Trying to convince me that it would make me feel better, but I didn’t need to feel better. I was happy that I finally fit in somewhere. Due to my negative energy, I was kicked out of the group. “You’re not one of us, you don’t fit in,” the world shattering words they told me. So there I was alone again. “I told you, you don’t fit in! You’re a loser a lame an idiot an outcast,” it said. At that moment, I gave up and gave in. My thoughts were right, my friends were right, those kids at Tiger were right. I am an outcast. I don’t belong. They weren’t being mean to me they were helping me; all of them helping me, as I told myself false truths. My thoughts won and I let them take control for the remaining two years at Grover Middle. Emptiness complete and utter emptiness was what I felt. There was nothing to care about because I didn’t have anything. “You know where you went wrong right? It was your birth. Blame your parents,” this was the theme for all of my thoughts. The root to my ugliness and the rest of my flaws, the root reason of why I’m an outcast... “After I let my thoughts take control I became angry, angry at anything it told me was the reason to me being an outcast. Its 8pm Homework is done, chores are complete, and I have fantasized about looking like the people on T.V. it’s time for me to go to bed alone with my thoughts. Fast forward to freshman year at Columbus high. It’s 5AM time to get ready for school. Shower check, hair check, teeth check. I go downstairs for breakfast what to eat what to eat? Nothing. The family has grown concerned, but that has no affect to me. The emptiness I felt from middle school I still feel and it continued for three months, then my thoughts gave its final two cents. “Kill yourself. You clearly still don’t fit in why surround yourself with these constant reminders?” and then my thoughts disappeared. Rewind to Kindergarten back when my thoughts weren’t trying to ruin my life and when everyone was nice. There was a moment in my life where life was perfect, where I was happy. It took one person to get the other kids to be mean to me including myself. It is currently 10pm I have finished my homework, completed my chores, and am now writing in my diary. As I sit here and contemplate my life’s past. My minds last request seems more and more appealing. It’s time for me to go to bed, alone with one thought. Life or death.
The diary of a bullied victim
February 9, 2013