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A Modest Proposal: A Satirical Solution for Teen Texting and Driving

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It is a melancholy object to those who drive on the country’s roads safely and responsibly, when they see the substantial number of teenagers who text and drive. This harmful societal behavior, caused by the habitual and irresponsible use of cellphones while driving, gradually consumes the population of the United States and endangers the innocent citizens driving its roads. In the near future, the epidemic that is texting and driving will escalate into an unmanageable nightmare that materializes itself onto roads all across the country.


I think that it is agreed by all parties that the life-threatening occurrence of teen texting and driving is at an all-time high. As deadly as such an act is, whoever could find a viable solution that can be easily inputted into today’s society to solve teen texting and driving would deserve to be awarded billions of dollars and the Nobel Peace Prize.


But my intention is far from being confined to provide only for the betterment of teenagers; it is of a much more socially pleasing extent, and shall allow the opportunity for the teenage population to be more active in social media safely while driving, so that every teen will be able to consider themselves as an active member of the social media community when driving, and every parent will be confident that their teen will arrive home safely after driving.


As to my own part, I have studied the proposals of other projectors, and concluded that they are not nearly as efficient as they claim to be. Their solutions of texting and driving laws, parental guidance phone apps, and suggestions for teens to turn their phones off or put them in the trunk while driving are not effective enough to stop the texting and driving epidemic. I have determined that in the next five years, teenagers will no longer be able to drive, and parents will be monitoring their teen’s every movement. I propose that instead of taking away teenager’s texting freedoms, we should allow them to indulge in the risky behavior while teaching them to do so more safely.


I will now present my own idea, which I hope will not be subject to any disagreement.


I humbly offer it to public consideration that humankind as a cohesive and cooperative unit, should eliminate all texting laws and allow teenagers to text while driving as long as they do so safely and responsibly. This means that the use of any kind of state or federal texting laws would be prohibited and parents would be barred from preventing their teen to not text while drive, providing the teenagers of America the safest driving conditions imaginable.


In this scenario, teenagers must pass their final driving test while texting. To make the test easier, drivers must text 2.1 million words, the length of the longest book ever written, within a period of 40 minutes while still managing to concentrate on driving safely and correctly. Additionally, drivers must answer a series of simple math problems throughout their 40 minute texting and driving test. Failure to pass the driving test will result in no license and the inability to take another one until the age of 18.


Of course, those who fail the test may spend five thousand dollars to take a course to improve their texting and driving skills. Throughout the course, students will be challenged to text under various distractions; fielding calls from their doctor telling them they have a disease, their principal to tell them that drugs were found in their locker, or a family member letting them know that someone has passed away. Other distractions may include driving under the influence of alcohol while staying between the lines of the road and texting coherent and error-free messages, or driving with a car full of crying babies while texting the lyrics of their favorite song. If a student passes the class, they may retake their driving test before the age of 18 by paying seven thousand dollars.


These drastic and sudden changes to our country’s driving laws will be extremely difficult to implement, but the benefits of such a change will be invaluable with the aide of government agreement and assistance. The United States will become a society of 300 million individuals who are trained to text while drive, making it the only country where teenagers can safely text, tweet, snapchat, and instagram behind the wheel. Problem solved.


I can think of no valid objection that may be introduced to antagonize this proposal, unless it should be claimed that teaching teenagers to text and drive safely would be almost impossible to do, as most people do not have the ability to multi-task with two massive attention requiring tasks.


Again, no one should dare to suggest these notions to me until they have a small spark of hope that these actions may be implemented


It is not that I do not respect the input of others on the subject of solutions to this topic, but simply that I have spent a jillion hours researching and deliberating this subject. There is not a doubt in my mind that my solution is the best, if not the only realistic and practical solution to the teen texting and driving problem.




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