The Guide to Losing Your Girlfriend

November 27, 2012
Congrats! You're a newly minted boyfriend. You just got your brand new girlfriend and need to find the perfect ways to woo your girl and crush her heart. Need help with that? Follow these guide lines to keep that relationship away from the "It's time to meet my parents stage".

1. Stand her up. She wants to go out, but you just got that Halo 4 and you HAVE TO beat the game in a matter of hours. You know she thinks it hot when you do that. So, tell her you'll meet her at eight, and thirty minutes after you were going to meet her, text her and tell her that something came up. She'll love that.

2. Get her hopes up. Oh you'll see her tomorrow... wait. Maybe not. Wait, you can now. Oh, not this time, your dad said no again. Get her hopes up, have her think you’re going to see her make plans and at the last minute kill those hope of hers. She'll can't wait to see you next week.

3. Go out with other girls. Go out with other girls. She gets that your best friend is a girl. So go. Go hang out with her all the time, or even your ex for that matter! Go to concerts with them, get rides from her, hang out at her house, go to the movies with her, talk for hours on end with her and ignore your girlfriend, change your plans and ditch your girlfriend on a Friday night for your best friend, go camping with them, nothing could go wrong there, you get to share a tent and spend the weekend with another girl. I bet your girlfriend would be all over that. Heck even act like you two are dating, perfect! Your girlfriend would absolutely love that.

4. Go hang out with your ex. Is your girlfriend up to something tonight? Make her cry! Why not go watch a movie at your ex's house, text her and tell her where you’re going and what you’re doing, then don't answer her for four hours. She will get the heart attack of a lifetime. What a splendid idea!

5. Insults, insults, insults. Does she have pretty eyes? Yes? Good. Don't tell her that. Tell her everything you think is wrong about her. Does she have messed up teeth? Tell her. Smell weird? Tell her. Is she fat? Tell her, tell her, tell her!

6. Her chest. Girls have this little tick about you staring at their boobs, and we guys have come to the realization that it’s perfectly ok. So if she’s wearing a tank top, stair long and hard in hopes that she will catch you. Girls know that when you are staring, you want in their pants, and they won’t be disgusted by your piggish behavior at all.

7. Ignore her then get angry. When you ignore her she thinks it’s cool. She think you have a life, and like to party. Then when you do answer and she does not for the two minutes she is busy, you get angry and ask why she is ignoring you. Who cares is she is burring her cat? Talking to her has to be convenient on your time.

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