The way you'll never see me.

June 18, 2011
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To me disgust, the skin around my eyes is itchy from the dried tears. My legs were just asleep. I feel ashamed for letting myself give in. I've been keeping calm so well. I slipped. I told you I missed you. I let my sadness be identified with my soft, high pitched "melancholy" voice. I didn't want you to hear that. I've soiled your view of me; happy and giggling me. You've broke too. In a different way than me. You've said you love me twice since our break up. I wish I could have saved that last answer forever. I can't do that. I can't tell you I love you right now, I do. So much. I'd have reached complete and utter failure if I did. I want to control my emotions and keep you close to me.
I've mentally failed. I've ripped down that numb wall and let myself cry, I feel so incredibly alone. I've let myself miss you. The impulses within in my urging me to just admit I love you, please take me back now are eating my heart out like those mean caterpillars. I've finally let myself admit I love you and I really am not the strong girl that is going to let you slip through my fingers like this. But only to myself. It feel like I've ruined this ignorant painless shield I unconsciously created.
Tell me what's going on with you; I'm so fake.

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