June 5, 2011
By , Unda Da Stars, CA
Chapter 1
-Name Here-

Trouble. That should have been my name. I guess the moment I took my first breath of air I was doomed. Being born with “defects” you could say, isn’t always fun. I was born with heart failure, so I guess I think more with my heart than with my brain, probably because I have everything to lose. So being 15 now I make stupid decisions every second of my life. To be honest I don’t even know if writing this book is a good decision. I also happen to have depression, suicidal thoughts, and I’m bipolar. Yeah you might be thinking I’m really messed up, but hey I didn’t choose all this. Some others might feel sorry for me. here’s the thing: don’t pity me. I don’t need anyone, well i do but I could do fine by myself. If your still reading this then your in for a rollercoaster, and i give you a mental pat on the back for still reading. This brings me to my family ah so much to say…not enough pages.

Chapter 2

Where to start, where to start. I should probably start by introducing my mother and father. Problem is I don’t know anything about my mother. The only thing I know is that her name is Tammy, I look nothing like her, she sleeps with a lot of men and she left me when I was a few months old. I should feel all heart broken, but I’m not. She hasn’t been in my life for 15 years, and I don’t think she’ll make any motivation to do so any time soon. I cant write to her and say, “ Dear Mommy, where have you been half of my life? Where are you? Can you come pick me up from this hell hole?” No. it doesn’t work that way. I’m stuck here with my dad and his bad taste in women, well with the exception of my step mom right now. This comes down to my beloved father. Get out the laugh while you can. Chuck. Yup. That’s my dad’s name. Well when he was in high school, the age of 14, he had some dumb ass of friends, he was kinda a little dumb himself. He’d drink a lot, and get some girls, hoping to have not get them pregnant. On the way home from a party, everyone in the vehicle had been drinking at a party. My dad was sitting in the back on his girlfriend’s lap without a seat belt. Then…BAM! Head on collision. My dad went through the windshield. He was lucky to be rushed to the hospital, had a coma. But the point is he survived…hardly. I suppose the point is if my dad didn’t survive I wouldn’t be here or would’ve wrote this. As for my step mom, I really don’t know much about her but I do know she seems to have her child as her only “favorite child” and it makes me feel down grated. Your probably think that’s not true, but you don’t see things through my eyes.

Ah siblings. The little devils. They can ruin your life sometimes. I don’t have any real siblings. A ton of halves and one step that I know of. My step brother is J.C. and no it doesn’t stand for “ Jesus Christ” he is older than me by 3 years and he’s pretty awesome. He’s a big boy that everyone seems to love him. I really look up to him, I know things about him that he doesn’t know that I know. He may not consider me a “great” sister or a “close friend” but he is considerably my best friend. My younger half brother is my worst nightmare, you know what they say about terrible two’s? Well he always seems to be in his terrible two’s. to be honest I hate his guts more then I’ll ever like him. Sure, to you he might not sound bad at all, but I swear he’s the little devil under that skin. I’ve always wanted a little sister. So I’ve got one that I don’t know. I found out about her my 8th grade year. Her name is Athena, I Believe she was named after the goddess Athena. From the picture I saw of her she looked a lot like I did when I was younger. I wish I knew her. I hope to find her some day, and I plan to, this situation reminds me of the movie, or T.V. show “Bringing Ashley home” mostly to be honest I wonder if she or any of my some odd older AND younger half siblings or step siblings know about me. We’ve one big not so happy family.

Chapter 3
-Burned Out-

Honestly, I’ve had enough of a lot of things, like being yelled at, obeying, my daily routine. You have to do this, and this, and that and that and blah blah blah. You know the saying, “everything I say seems to go through one ear and out the other.” Well I do that daily. What I’ve learned: just nod and blink a few times so they think your still alive. I’m just through with it all. Sometimes you gotta mix it up. The sad thing is when I try to mix it up I end up getting busted and locked down in the domain of no retuning…unless its for school.
My heart is strung out on a wire
And left to catch on fire.
Poor pathetic emotions
Caught in the trap.
Through the abyss of an endless rollercoaster…
I am
Burned Out

Chapter 4

You know how I said I’m a great liar? Well that a white lie. Not all true but not all lies. Sometimes people know when I’m lying and are totally clueless. I don’t lie often, only when I’m put in a position where I could lie or tell the truth. I have the great misfortune of my karma catching up to my lies, so that’s why I don’t lie often. The best liars are adults. Ah, back to adults. Well I cant face an adult who wont lie to me. My parents are great liars. They always tell me when I do something bad, “They give up on me.” They do for a bit, but they help me through things. One little lie can become something huge, and can do a lot of damage to people and yourself. I’m only writing this book because this is how my life is and my views on everything. It seems my whole life was formed out of lies, which I uncovered the truth later. Lies are devious little things that slip out of our mouths daily, and we cant take them back. We can extinguish the fire right then and there but almost always an ember finds its way and starts the fire all over again. I encounter lies everyday from all shapes, sizes, and colors. The news, my friends, family, random strangers and myself. I’m told that I’m worthless, and a total screw over, and I don’t deserve anything I have. Maybe that’s a lie. Maybe it’s not.

Chapter 5
-My Own Road-

I swear if I hear the words, “What do you want to do when you get older?” one more time, I’m gonna freak out. I always live by the expectations of others and they want me to: graduate collage, and high school. Get a job “have the life I didn’t have.” what if I don’t want to do that? Nobody asks my what I want to do without anyone’s expectations. Maybe I wanna be a crack head, and live in Bishop for the rest of my life, and over produce the world with more kids. Ha! Phyc! I don’t REALLY want to do that! I’m not for or against pot, weed, whatever you want to call it, (yeah I know it’s a;; the same) But I frown upon cocaine meth and all that crap. And hell no I don’t want to stay in this hell hole of a town. I hate it here. And I’m not seriously not gonna, “ pump some babies out.”

But I do want to graduate high school and get out of this dump. In a collage far away from this place. I don’t have a career choice yet, but I’m working for the art category. I do want to go to Venice, Italy before it sinks completely. I possibly might go with my boyfriend of 6 months, but that was totally blown out of the water. So now I’m to plan Z.

Chapter 6
-Plan Z-

I think plan Z and plan A are practically the same, and every plan in-between. Mostly running away from everything or kill myself. Obviously I haven’t gone through with any of my plans but I thought plan B would of worked when I was 2-3 my dad met the wicked b**** of the south. She hated me (no idea why)and I hated her(still do). Some times something’s are meant to stay behind doors but I’m not hiding this, not anymore. I’ve hidden it for 2 years and I don’t believe anyone else should hide it at all and for the parents, I frown upon you who you don’t bless you child. I went through child abuse. My dad didn’t know for the longest time, until he walked in on it. I felt like I was being punished for something I wasn’t. And the people who knew would look at me with the saddest eyes, and want to say something, but never do. Anyone going through ANY type pf abuse needs to make it stop. For good. I feel like I’m being shunned for nothing I could do, and I ran away. To escape from the crap life hands us, is hard and not always possible. I only got to be a “run away” for 2 and a half hours. Someday I’m going to run away and this time I wont come back or wish to be found.

-Trouble Finds Love- What is love? Wher is love? What does it even mean? 3 words I Love You. It’s a word that is just thrown around without second guessing it. And fools mistake it for something else. To find love you have to dive through the lies, gain trust and try your best. I thought I feel in love with my true love, but here’s the thing, he has multiple personalities (what I like to call it) and with someone like me, who is bipolar. The two don’t mix. So it was always hard to bite my tongue, and try not to explode with anger. Probably the same for him. He’s ice. I’m fire. Romeo and Juliet. Adam and Eve. Except each of them was destined for each other. I really do love him. But it’s so hard loving the thing you hate. Love, hate, intertwined fate. We fight constantly but in the end we let it cool over, which normally means that he’s right, which he normally never is. Love needs sacrifices. I’ve sacrificed a lot and to sacrifice all I have and to get nothing out of it all is heartbreak. Maybe I wasn’t meant for love. Not lovable. Then what I any good for? People have their thoughts on who they are, what they are, and what their supposed to be. I don’t know who I am, or who I’m gonna be. But if I get that far then I’m going to need a lot of love. And no man, nor any women can love me as much as, as much as my dad does. “ The only man a girl/woman can love is her dad.”- unknown. I feel I’m wasting my heart on love. It does my thinking, my emotions and match making but it wont always be able to muli-task, it’s going to burn out trying to find something that slips out of my grasp. What does God have in mind for little miss unfortunate?

-Is There A God Out There?-
I am not a young woman born into religion. Nor did I pick it up on my way along. Its not that I don’t or do believe in Jesus, God, Buddha, or anything else. I believe that there is someone of higher hand dealing our cards. And we wither get luck or bust. I don’t believe that he chooses our path for us. I think he only gives us a guideline to follow, and we choose to go left, right, right or wrong. I don’t know if there’s a figure in the sky with white winged angels assisting God. Jesus. Whatever his name is, but I really do think that the higher hand isn’t destined to design our fates. We do.

Chapter 9
-In The Deep Blue-

My emotions seem like they’re always on crack or something, but my mind and body aren’t. that’s how it is when you bipolar. My main emotions are anger, if you get on my nerves. Duck. I will probably rip your head off. Oh yeah and I’m easily pissed, especially a few days before my “special time of the month.” And I’m also very sad. I don’t like people touching me, talking, or being around me. I like to be left alone. It’s not like I don’t like people( I don’t like a lot of people) it’s just that I need some time to myself so I can reflect on myself. I know I seem selfish but it’s how I think, so get over with it. Kay. I do a lot of self reflecting and life reflecting. It makes me acknowledge what I can adjust about other people, and situations. I guess it makes me smarter? Personal opinion.

Perfect hands
Hold perfect lies.
Perfect lips grin deviliciously with perfect teeth.
Perfect bodies mesh into one. Becoming one.
Sleek as glossed ice
Colder than the depths of salty waves
More fierce than an erupting volcano.
Delivering more heat than the suns burning flames
The same.
Prefect little nobodies
Feeble words pour like a gushing waterfall.
Caressing the deepest pocket of my mind
Craving the words I dread but love so much.
Lavishing the warmth that sooths my body.
Perfection is key
Perfection is key to what?
Perfect love
Simple desire.
Undying vows.
Unmanning passion
Deceiving lies.
Perfectly nothing.

Chapter 11
-what makes a friend?-

Best friends. I suppose it’s someone close to you who can tell you everything and are always ther for you. I never had a “best friend” they always turn out as backstabbers. Stabbing me over and over, and over, and over. To many times. I have a scar that will bleed forever and will never heal, chunks will keep being ripped out and nobody would notice. Or care. My heart shatters every time I look at someone who lies to me over and over again. Non-stop. They don’t notice. And when I get hurt and tell them why they get hurt saying, “that’s hurts.” and I’m not allowed to BE upset? Wrong. I have every single DAMN right to. I put my feelings, my heart, and unconditional love to them. It seems they don’t care. Or are totally oblivious to it. Wanna step all over me? It wont matter. Because I’m already two steps ahead. I’m better. And I have multiple ways to prove it. be continued....

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