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The Struggle Within
I can’t understand the sorrow deep within. It feels as if a weight is on my chest, getting heavier as time goes by, until I cannot breathe any longer. I feel trapped, claustrophobic, like there is no escape. I am determined to find a way out.
I had finally found something great in my life, something almost too good to describe, or so I thought. She is a trap; a trap that will suck you in with those dark chocolaty eyes, the brilliant smile, and the flawless features that everyone desires. It seems like a fairy tail; magical in every way. As she runs towards me and wraps me in a hug, I feel invincible; as if I am the luckiest guy in the world. Her smile melts my heart as I walk her to the dance. I am the luckiest boy alive. Perhaps I am not.
Her eyes lock onto another boy behind me like that of the crosshairs on a trophy buck as the hunter exhales slowly, squeezing the trigger. I wave my hand in front of her face attempting to bring her attention back to me. I fail miserably. This shocking instance puts me into a trance, as if time is standing still.
The pin prickles behind my nose and eyes are beginning to force the salty droplets down my cheek. Still frozen in time my knees start to tremble. My lungs cannot take the immense pressure that my heart is placing within my chest. The sounds of the music fades away into a piercing whistle, like that of a freight train.
Everything seemed so great as I walked through the doors with the one that tricked me into loving her, but now it’s turned into a nightmare that seems never ending.
As time sped up to its original pace I realize that the end was within sight. The sorrow turned into rage. I mumbled into her ear, “Let’s go have a talk”.
She was jealous of the other boy who was dancing with another girl. Her thoughts were palpable. She wished it was her in his arms instead of standing here with me. During our conversation, I was receiving the stare that seemed to be penetrating my body as if I were a window pane, just a transparency blocking her way. The way she looked at him with those mysterious eyes made me jealous and dreadfully sad.
The music stops and we vanish into the night. I tell her that I can deal with it, that we can make it through this problem. She says no.
I start to fight within myself, questioning my self-worth and wondering if it is myself at fault. I decide it must have been since I couldn’t find a way to keep her focused on me, since I couldn’t make her feel as special as she did to me, since I couldn’t make her heart melt with my smile, as mine did with hers. It was my fault. There was no other reason this heart crushing experience should have happened.
After days and nights of being lonely and depressed, after going over every moment we had spent together; every word we had spoken to one another. Finally a revelation: the one I loved was a trap! She was the one that made my chest heavy and the one that made me feel breathless, lonely and in despair. She was the one that brought on the feeling of claustrophobia with nowhere to escape.
It was not my fault, it was hers. The pain fades away as time goes on, the sorrow lessens. The struggle within myself becomes a strength. Finally the trap breaks. I find a way out. Now I am free.