Count Chocula: When did vampires turn into such wimps?

May 9, 2010
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Robert Pattinson’s delicate face is so large on the big screen that every crooning female in the room sighs in wonder as he slowly bats one of his girlishly long eyelashes. I sigh as well, not a sigh of awe but of wistfulness: when did vampires turn into such wimps? David from ‘The Lost Boys’, Louis du Point du Lac from ‘Interview with a Vampire’, they were real bloodsucking predators that fed on the fear of their victims. This bestial yet fascinating breed of vampire seems to have disintegrated along with the 20th century and in swept Count Chocula, the cuddle-bunnies with fangs, such as Edward Cullen, who are frankly just chocolate substitutes for middle-school girls who have never read a distinguished piece of literature in their lives. And what has brought about this change? Trashy teen romance novels that depict this classic humanoid species as a Shakespearean casanova with an allergy to sunlight. Most importantly, this misrepresentation is the loss of Bram Stoker’s true semblance of a villain that haunts the villagers and looks good doing it.

The original vampire, Count Dracula, was based off a sadistic ruler of Transylvania who lived several hundred years ago. In fact, Dracula means “son of the dragon.” It is blatantly clear that for all intents and purposes, Dracula was the original anti-hero in fiction. Vampires are intended to be the embodiment of evil, living only to produce heirs or drink blood so that vampires may one day rule over the living. Creatures of the night were created solely for the purpose of being great antagonists, not for being a teen girl’s lover/ bodyguard. Anyone who watches an original Dracula movie will comprehend that vampires are beings of the Devil, made to wreak havoc upon mankind. They are ruthless and savage, not glittery and cute. If Joseph Sheridan LeFanu knew that Stephanie Meyer had mutilated his creation into a shimmering, teenage girl fantasy, he’d role over in his grave. Creating a youthful Chocula that regularly declares his love for a human girl is one thing, but giving him sparkly skin has completely demolished the menacing image Bram Stoker and Joseph Sheridan LeFanu worked to create. I would also like to point out that as sparkly as a Chocula’s skin is, their personalities seem to alight as well, and that’s just not practical. Vampires are meant to be isolated, ominous forms that only show interest in a female human for the sake of putting them under their spell and making them their undead bride. The vampire lives in abandoned manors or theaters, leaving his coffin only long enough to capture a helpless citizen for his dinner. He is disconnected from humanity and observes it from afar with a sort of animal-like apathy. And unlike in the world’s longest perfume commercial, A.K.A. Twilight, a real predator of the night does not think of humans as equals.
So, if you ever find yourself alone on a moonlit alley and see a tall, dark figure gliding effortlessly towards you…please don’t squeal in delight. Scream until your lungs burn and beg for mercy, because real vampires are not cuddle-bunnies.

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toxic.monkey said...
May 22, 2010 at 1:48 pm

Is this only me, please tell me: I think Robert Pattinson is rather ugly. I have no idea why people find him hot- he isn't. He looks like a future pedophile.

   Now that I got that out of the way :P I much prefer vampires to stay as bloodsucking offspring of the Devil too. I find this cutifying of vamps very disturbing.

mgraves This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 24, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Though the death of characters like Count Dracula are a loss, its what books like Twilight represent that really irks me: that you can take a fearsome man and turn him into a sweet and gentle lover.  It gives girls a false representation of what love and relationships are like, so that when they meet a good guy who cares for them they may not even realize it because they're too caught up in a vampire romance fantasy that doesn't even have a semblance of reality. Or worse they get themselve ... (more »)
cHicKEnWaNg1 replied...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 8:09 pm
i said the same thing but i still love a good book
cupcakesNbrownies97 said...
May 18, 2010 at 5:56 pm
*SIGH* True, so true. You really captured in well, and now people are amking vampire novels left and right and I don't want to get swept away by iut all. Don't get me wrong, I love a good book like twilight, but it's all just too much.
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