I have nothing left to give out to people for the fear of them and because I have given and allowed people to dictate. In endeavoring to please everyone I have left no one for myself. I mean that literally. Where am I? Where is God and why am I alone? If all I ever do is give myself away to the wrong subject why is the world at fault and yet why am I? The world has only ever taken; which it always has done and always will do, so feigning surprise will bring me no comfort. Though this is what I have been taught to do. My pride and self preservation have told me to say what wants to be heard and do the things others are unwilling to do. So when I can not say what others want to hear I realize my disappointing structure because I am focused on perfection. Far be it from me to tell the world what that is or to demand the same standard and still it is asked of me. What call can I answer, what help can I contrive? None. I can sacrifice myself all the day and never satisfy one need, one atonement. I will of course continue to exhaust myself in the effort as most of us do on a daily basis without even the realization of it. We want others to seek joy in our company, to feel a pull to be with us and so we apologize and please them. Which in retro spect only forms a slow boiling type of resentment towards them because they have not even perhaps blandly laid out these demands but because we seek to fill them we imply that the person used their silence as a tool for that demand. It seems that with pleasing and disappointment being an unstable and incredibly combustible circle the earth should have long ago ceased to bear humans. But almost in spite of itself and ourselves we trudge on, love and hope compel us to do so. We wish deary for the day to come when love is simply that and hope is fully realized. It is these goals that keep one from falling into pieces. even the most shattered glass is repairable. Often is must be melted and reformed but though it passes through the pain of the fire it is often more beautiful and spectacular for all of the struggle and strife. Though a person is empty and all has been taken, even if they do not see hope, and they fear to love, they will ultimately find a guiding and saving grace which will renew and restore their purpose. I can not save the world, though it is my most fervent dream and desire, but for now I can know that through the present fire there is some greater work or purpose I have yet to fill. Though I can not please and I will still have demands made upon me, I can allow the flames to lick, scar, and stinging because it is a decisive change in myself. And I can look for those who are in much the same plight and warn the happy fool who doesn't yet know the principle of the flames and the restoration beyond it.
May 3, 2010