pain is something that i thought was an emotion that i knew. but these last few weeks I’ve learned a whole different pain. a pain that i never knew existed. a pain so new i almost didn’t recognize the feeling.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt and so heart broken. its almost as if my whole world is crumbling at the seems and sure enough it is. i don’t eat I’ve been so tired even if i sleep a full night its almost as if ill live the rest of my life drained and tired. people ask me how they can help me or how they can make things easier but thats the thing no one can help me. not my family, my closest friends, hell i don’t even think God can at this point.

my best friend always tells me not to hate because hate is a very strong emotion that is very negative but here lately thats all i feel. i hate everything. i hate everyone. i know i don’t show it but thats because no one deserves this pain. this hatred eats me up inside to the point where i can’t even stand to be in my own home or hometown. i hate everything about this town. people say that when you leave you always come back but i hope and i pray every day that when finally up and move away i will never have to come back.

I hate the word hate. it makes me think of when little kids fight and say “ i hate you” but 5 minutes later they’re best friends again. but this is a different hate. i guess a better word is despise. i despise my life. i despise that i was adopted because my mom wanted to keep partying. i despise that i never got close to my dad before he died because of the hatred i had for him since i was little. i despise people who are happy because i know that i might never have that again.

when people would tell me to be close to my dad I always thought why should i try for someone who doesn’t try for me. yet here i am trying for a guy that i love that will never do anything but hurt me.

right now that my dad is dead and i need him to help me through this he’s no where to be found and here i am like the dumb ass i am hoping that every message every notification or every car pulling into my drive way is him. but its not. and i know deep down that he never will be because he may claim he loves me or cares for me or whatever but that will never change the fact that he wasn’t here when i needed him the most.

Ive been going through this alone. sure theres people who tell me here here for me for whatever i need but they don’t know the pain and the hurt that i hide inside. they don’t know how many times I’ve driven on the highway and just wanted to let go of the wheel and close my eyes. they don’t know how much I’m willing to sacrifice to get the hell away from here. away from him.