Out or In

January 11, 2018
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Its empty. My life , my will to live. It's all gone. The pain that it eliminated , it will rise again and spread like a disease. That small piece of safety has left my body once and for all and I can't do anything about it. It's not a feeling that doctors can cure. I have to do this on my own. Everyone  who is trying to help me doesn't really know how I feel. Yet the know what's best for me. I can't take this anymore. These four walls are closing in on me and I am beginning to suffocate. I know my wrong doings were my fault. But should I really have to suffer like this? I'm beginning to feel a tick , and itch and urge to just give up and get back. I will not because I have people depending on me.He’s depending on me. He’s my only reason for me doing what's best for us. He’s the only family that I know. Everyone else is just adding more weight on my shoulders. I hate that people put this much pressure on me. I'm beginning to feel like I can't breathe.
One. I'm alright. This is just what I need. I needed to get away from the environment where nothing new can be let in and you have no way out. I'm gonna be alright here. Everyone's helpful. They want to see me better myself. I want to see me better myself. We both want the same for me. This is just what I needed.
Two. Why am I feeling like this? Everything seems as if it's spinning. It's hard for me to stand. I’ll just lay here for a while. Maybe that is what I need. Rest would help me get through this. If I rest I’ll get through It. I cope better in my sleep anyway. What’s the worst that can happen?
Three. What's wrong with me? I'm up all day, getting no sleep at night. I'm cold. On the inside and out. It's a coldness that can't be warmed by the gentle touch of a %100 cotton blanket, yet that is all they are giving me. They said they were trying to help me. “PUT ME OUT MY MISERY” is what I screamed every hour of that day. I began to tire. My screams became whispers and I finally was able to sleep.
Four. Five. I remember nothing from yesterday. But stomach pains dry mouth and little glimpses of the ceiling when my eyes decided to peak open as if my conscious was being nosey trying to look at my life from the inside to the  outside of  my body. I haven't left these four walls in days. I haven’t had the energy. Im feeling better now. But, I still can't move. My paralyzed body laid across the small bed as I faced the wall. Staring as if I was in deep thought,  but in reality, I couldn't think at all. It felt like I wouldn't blink for minutes at a time. Or was it that I was so use to looking at that one wall it was possible that I saw only that one wall when I shut my eyes? Even for a split second.
Six. They gave me something to take the edge off. Or maybe they gave me something to keep me off the edge. I would gaze at the outside world through a slit opening. I had the ability to look through it wide and open but something was holding me back. I can't believe that I made it this far. I'm going to get my life on track.
Seven. I left my room. I saw new faces. They weren't the faces that I saw when I first came here. They were pale and grey. They looked like -- me. We sat and watched the hours pass. It was time for me to look at those four walls again. God , I love those four walls. Those walls were sheltering me. They kept me in and the bad things out . Or did they keep me from letting the bad things in? Once I was in , I did not have a say on when I could come out or not.
Eight. I got a visitor. I couldn’t see their face. It looked like a man. The body was tall and slender. The blurry figure that I saw seemed like a  man who had on a hat. What kind of person would come see me in here? As the tall figured entered the room, my heart dropped and I let out a deep relieving sigh.

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