Dear Calculus Student

May 23, 2017
By , San Diego, CA

Listen: you are in grave danger.
I can’t tell you what the threat is for fear that this information will fall into the wrong hands, but be assured, there are very dangerous and very powerful people after you right now. You may find that hard to believe, but you must trust me completely without hesitation. Besides, is this really crazier than the idea of high school students taking college level courses? From now on, you must be careful. Show this letter to no one. Always be watchful. Trust cautiously, but no matter what, do not trust the student sitting to your left right now. Any attempt they make at friendliness or conversation is a trick. If you already know them, then you may be beyond saving unless you follow my instructions very precisely.
Three days after reading this message, arrive at school before anyone else and count the students that come after you. Nod subtly to the fifth male student to show up. He is the Chief Reclaimer of my organization and your only ally. His services will be instrumental in your escape. Incidentally, before The Great Rebirth of 2067, you two were lovers, but that’s neither here nor there.
25 days after reading this message, you will complete a problem and get an answer completely different to the one Mrs. Buehler says is correct. Your constant will be off by 75 and there will be a variable in there that wasn’t even in the original problem. When Mrs. Buehler does it on the board, it will seem correct, and everybody else in the class (excepting your Reclaimer) will be content with this answer, but you will still be unable to understand where your error was. This is not a mistake. Write down your answer on a purple note card and tape it to the door of Room D104 after school.
69 days after reading this message, kindly refrain from laughing at the number 69. It is funny, hilarious even, but it will be highly suspicious, especially to the person on your left.
78 days after reading this message, someone ask to borrow a pencil. Again. You have no idea why they somehow lack the ability to bring a single pencil to a place where pencils are a constant necessity. Politely decline to give them a pencil. This has nothing to do with the plan. That person just needs to get a pencil already.
82 days after reading this message, you will do an FRQ about the average rate of elderly Koreans entering a grocery store to buy discounted copies of Sylvester Stallone’s Death Race 2000. “Huh,” you will think, “These word problems sure are unnecessarily specific.” That’s because this is much more than a math problem. Circle every sixth letter of the FRQ and write the resulting message.

86 days after reading this message, walk up to your Reclaimer and whisper, “The Scarlet Masquerade of 2045.” He will burst into quiet tears. “I have never stopped loving you,” he will whisper back. Reach for his hands and say nothing.
90 days after reading this message, you will get a problem correct on your homework that the person to your left will not. “Wow, how did you do that?” they will say, smiling with repressed bloodlust. Show them the answer, but do not look directly in their eyes. Their cold, horrible eyes.
91 days after reading this message, you will have an important test coming up. YOU MUST PASS THIS TEST WITH AT LEAST AN 82%. Study as hard as you can, push yourself to the limit if you must. Dedicate your every waking moment to understanding the material. If you do not pass, you will be forever lost. If you do, stand up and say, very loudly, “I guess I’m pretty good at calculus, huh?” Then someone will come crashing through the window, your Reclaimer will pull out a pixelated sword, and we’ll take it from there.

An Old Friend

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