Hidden Worlds

January 19, 2009
By splenda. SILVER, Century, Florida
splenda. SILVER, Century, Florida
6 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." Mark Twain


I glanced back into the dark and silent night. Although I saw nothing, I knew he was coming for me. Picturing his mutilated face sent a blood-curtling chill down my spine. Long, deep scars beginning at his templae and continuing to his collar-bone along with the blood-red color of his eyes force me to run faster and harder. This world, filled with creatures unknown to many, is trying to force me from existance. As i run, i notice the unsuspecting humans in their homes. A child watching cartoons. A man and wife sitting down for a romantic dinner. If only they knew the trouble that lies ahead for them. Nothing like the trouble coming for me now, but something much worse. The thing hunting me is something of great danger, but i cant seem to force myself to be afraid. Of course I still have to run for practical reasons, wether im afraid or not. For instance, I have no desire to die. The creature behind me used to be one of the most beautiful and sencere humans on this planet not too long ago. Then they reached him. There was nothing I could do after that. They never changed me, they needed too much information. Every now and then I would see a spark of the man i used to know, but it was brief and rare. When they learned I was too stubborn to give them the information they seeked, they decided to dispose of me. Of course I did what every woman in my situation would have done...I ran. It should have surprised me to see that he was the one chasing me, but it didnt. Suddenly, I heard the muffled sound of running footsteps. I looked back, again, to see that he was less than twenty yards behind me now, unarmed. He would have to catch me to take me down, which I doubt he could do. "Slow down, dang it!" he shouts, breaking me from my speculations. For a split second, I considered the fact that he sounded like himself, irritated that he couldnt catch me. I automatically dropped that thought. No need to psych myself out with false hope. "Jess, Im not kidding. Its me." he shouted again. This time I turned, surprised. "What did you call me?" I ask. No one calls me Jess besides him. The real him, not the creature he was changed into. My birth name is Michelle, but he thought that Jess suited me better. "You heard me, Jess. Now stop running away from me before we both pass out." This wasnt making any sense. "Im confused. Who are you?"
"Im me. Christopher Jacob Cole is the name. Ive been trying to catch you so I can explain. You ruined the entire plan by running. Gosh, you are so difficult."
"Well, excuse me for not sitting there calmly as they cut my heart out and put it on a silver platter." I said sarcastically. He laughed for the first time in what seemed like years. In that instant I knew he was telling the truth. I didnt care how or why he was now himself, all i cared about was the "us" we used to be. "Lets go." I said. He automatically understood and we ran together to our space of safety and love; our home. It wouldnt take long for them to find us, but we werent afraid anymore.


The author's comments:
I would just like to inform all of you that i am very new to writing short stories and I would really appreciate your help in improving. Thank you.

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This article has 12 comments.


on Dec. 15 2010 at 7:57 am
Faceless BRONZE, Kennesaw, Georgia
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
You Have Bewitched Me, Body and Soul, and I Love, I Love, I Love You. I Never Wish to be Parted from You from This Day On...

i like it!!!it's so good!

on Nov. 18 2010 at 12:59 pm
Lacey1025 SILVER, Saint Helens, Oregon
8 articles 0 photos 14 comments
i agree! Keep Writing!!

on Nov. 18 2010 at 12:58 pm
Lacey1025 SILVER, Saint Helens, Oregon
8 articles 0 photos 14 comments
i do understand where Jason may think they are inhuman, that was my first thought too. i would be intresting in reading your finished piece!

on Nov. 18 2010 at 12:55 pm
Lacey1025 SILVER, Saint Helens, Oregon
8 articles 0 photos 14 comments
this was veryy good.. Sounds like it could be a good movie:) it was kinda breif. i think if you expanded it out a little more it would be ahh-maa-zingg! :) Keep Writing.

Shahed GOLD said...
on Nov. 13 2010 at 11:14 pm
Shahed GOLD, Tulsa, Oklahoma
16 articles 2 photos 350 comments

Favorite Quote:
"People are like tea bags, they don't realize their own strength until they're dropped in hot water "
“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway."

Very very good! This is one of the best things i've read in here!

 

Check out my work :) EVERYONE!


deka9 said...
on Jul. 19 2010 at 10:08 pm

There are a few typos here and there, and be careful with your punctuations. One of my pet peeves is not capitalizing "I". Hahaha, and my first article was bunched up together because of Teenink too! I had to ask the editor to remove it, hahaha. So I understand your pain of how Teenink messes with our writing.

So is the character human with special ability? However, why did she call people, humans? It sort of divides her into a category of nonhuman. 

Anyways, what happened to the man's red eyes? It vanished once he said her name.

I'm sorry but this story isn't really catching my interest. Perhaps it would in later chapters, but I'm not in the moment.


on Jul. 7 2010 at 10:16 pm
aaaaaqweqweqwe SILVER, Somewhere, Illinois
6 articles 0 photos 67 comments

Well, I agree with Jason in that your story was just like one huge paragraph. Then again, maybe that's just the website being stupid, who knows? As far as content goes, I really liked your descriptions. However, the dialogue could use some improvement, at the moment it just seems a bit awkward and forced.

I do like that you left it open: we dont know why she's running, hat's going on, it definitely hooks the reader. Just brush things up a bit and it should be good.

 

If you get the chance take a look at someo f my work

Great job, keep writing :)


on Jul. 5 2010 at 8:30 pm
splenda. SILVER, Century, Florida
6 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." Mark Twain

thanks for your honesty. yes the indentions were altered after it was published. and im not exactly sure why u think the main character seems inhuman?? and as for the ending, it seems to have no ending because i had planned on continuing it further.

on Jul. 5 2010 at 7:43 pm

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Alright so I'll be the third judge... and in perfect simon fashion, I will say that the story was not "incredible."

The first noticeable problem with it is indenting. Maybe that's not your fault because the indenting got screwed up when it was posted... but it looks unproffessional and it's hard to read.

The narration also needs some work. There's a lot of things you say that the reader can already assume. For instance "picturing his mutilated face sent a chill down my spine." Well what do you think picturing the face is going to do? Make you hungry?

You also narrate it as if the protagonist is not human. Is that the case? If not, she sounds condescending towards them. It also doesn't make sense that she can see them so well and yet she doesn't call for help.

I also don't understand the ending... if there is one. I can tell you're new at writing short stories. The best way for you to improve is not to listen to me blabb on about what a short story is or what it usually has, but to read some.

There are a lot of good ones by Stephen King. He has a kind of formulaic way of writing short stories, most of them are relatable, and they usually have a good twist at the end. If you love horror, check out HP Lovecraft as well. You can also find a lot of good short stories in your english textbooks in school believe it or not. Just poke around and see what interests you, but keep reading and then see if you can come up with something better next time.


on Jul. 4 2010 at 7:28 pm
splenda. SILVER, Century, Florida
6 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." Mark Twain

thank you! i really do wish more people would comment. tell your friends!

EllieK. BRONZE said...
on Jul. 4 2010 at 7:15 pm
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"
-ME

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of

Wow! I agree, this was incredible. I can't believe more people haven't commented on it, because you deserve it. I think that this, even though you said it was a short story, has strong potential to turn in to something more. Thanks for your comments!

on Jun. 28 2010 at 10:10 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1754 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

This was incredible!  If this is part of a story you're writing, you should DEFINITELY write more:)


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