Hidden Worlds

January 19, 2009
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I glanced back into the dark and silent night. Although I saw nothing, I knew he was coming for me. Picturing his mutilated face sent a blood-curtling chill down my spine. Long, deep scars beginning at his templae and continuing to his collar-bone along with the blood-red color of his eyes force me to run faster and harder. This world, filled with creatures unknown to many, is trying to force me from existance. As i run, i notice the unsuspecting humans in their homes. A child watching cartoons. A man and wife sitting down for a romantic dinner. If only they knew the trouble that lies ahead for them. Nothing like the trouble coming for me now, but something much worse. The thing hunting me is something of great danger, but i cant seem to force myself to be afraid. Of course I still have to run for practical reasons, wether im afraid or not. For instance, I have no desire to die. The creature behind me used to be one of the most beautiful and sencere humans on this planet not too long ago. Then they reached him. There was nothing I could do after that. They never changed me, they needed too much information. Every now and then I would see a spark of the man i used to know, but it was brief and rare. When they learned I was too stubborn to give them the information they seeked, they decided to dispose of me. Of course I did what every woman in my situation would have done...I ran. It should have surprised me to see that he was the one chasing me, but it didnt. Suddenly, I heard the muffled sound of running footsteps. I looked back, again, to see that he was less than twenty yards behind me now, unarmed. He would have to catch me to take me down, which I doubt he could do. "Slow down, dang it!" he shouts, breaking me from my speculations. For a split second, I considered the fact that he sounded like himself, irritated that he couldnt catch me. I automatically dropped that thought. No need to psych myself out with false hope. "Jess, Im not kidding. Its me." he shouted again. This time I turned, surprised. "What did you call me?" I ask. No one calls me Jess besides him. The real him, not the creature he was changed into. My birth name is Michelle, but he thought that Jess suited me better. "You heard me, Jess. Now stop running away from me before we both pass out." This wasnt making any sense. "Im confused. Who are you?"
"Im me. Christopher Jacob Cole is the name. Ive been trying to catch you so I can explain. You ruined the entire plan by running. Gosh, you are so difficult."
"Well, excuse me for not sitting there calmly as they cut my heart out and put it on a silver platter." I said sarcastically. He laughed for the first time in what seemed like years. In that instant I knew he was telling the truth. I didnt care how or why he was now himself, all i cared about was the "us" we used to be. "Lets go." I said. He automatically understood and we ran together to our space of safety and love; our home. It wouldnt take long for them to find us, but we werent afraid anymore.

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This article has 12 comments. Post your own now!

Faceless said...
Dec. 15, 2010 at 7:57 am
i like it!!!it's so good!
plumes said...
Nov. 18, 2010 at 12:55 pm
this was veryy good.. Sounds like it could be a good movie:) it was kinda breif. i think if you expanded it out a little more it would be ahh-maa-zingg! :) Keep Writing.
Shahed said...
Nov. 13, 2010 at 11:14 pm

Very very good! This is one of the best things i've read in here!


Check out my work :) EVERYONE!

deka9 said...
Jul. 19, 2010 at 10:08 pm

There are a few typos here and there, and be careful with your punctuations. One of my pet peeves is not capitalizing "I". Hahaha, and my first article was bunched up together because of Teenink too! I had to ask the editor to remove it, hahaha. So I understand your pain of how Teenink messes with our writing.

So is the character human with special ability? However, why did she call people, humans? It sort of divides her into a category of nonhuman. 

Anyways, what happened ... (more »)

banangela29 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 7, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Well, I agree with Jason in that your story was just like one huge paragraph. Then again, maybe that's just the website being stupid, who knows? As far as content goes, I really liked your descriptions. However, the dialogue could use some improvement, at the moment it just seems a bit awkward and forced.

I do like that you left it open: we dont know why she's running, hat's going on, it definitely hooks the reader. Just brush things up a bit and it should be good.


more »)
AvengedJasonFold said...
Jul. 5, 2010 at 7:43 pm

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Alright so I'll be the third judge... and in perfect simon fashion, I will say that the story was not "incredible."

The first noticeable problem with it is indenting. Maybe that's not your fault because the indenting got screwed up when it was posted... but it looks unproffessional and it's hard to read.

The narration also needs some work. There's a lot of things you say that the reader can already assume. For instance "picturing h... (more »)

splenda. replied...
Jul. 5, 2010 at 8:30 pm
thanks for your honesty. yes the indentions were altered after it was published. and im not exactly sure why u think the main character seems inhuman?? and as for the ending, it seems to have no ending because i had planned on continuing it further.
plumes replied...
Nov. 18, 2010 at 12:58 pm
i do understand where Jason may think they are inhuman, that was my first thought too. i would be intresting in reading your finished piece!
EllieK. said...
Jul. 4, 2010 at 7:15 pm
Wow! I agree, this was incredible. I can't believe more people haven't commented on it, because you deserve it. I think that this, even though you said it was a short story, has strong potential to turn in to something more. Thanks for your comments!
splenda. replied...
Jul. 4, 2010 at 7:28 pm
thank you! i really do wish more people would comment. tell your friends!
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 28, 2010 at 10:10 pm
This was incredible!  If this is part of a story you're writing, you should DEFINITELY write more:)
plumes replied...
Nov. 18, 2010 at 12:59 pm
i agree! Keep Writing!!
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