What if my life was full of lies? Filled with secrets I can’t control. Full of hatred and tormentors, who torment my every move? If I told you a secret, would you keep it?

“I’ll take a Carmel Frappuccino, low fat please” I chimed. “What do you want sweetie?” I questioned my daughter Ressitti. “Hot chocolate” she squeaked. Her eyes were so beautiful filled with joy and laughter. They were the perfect baby blue eyes, unlike my brown eyes, it just showed hatred and love. I unlocked the gaze between us. “Here you go mam one Frappuccino and one hot chocolate for this little cutie” she giggled. “Thank you, what do you say Ressitti?” “Thank you” she choked. When we were leaving I left a five dollar tip for the guy at the register. I always like to leave a little extra.

CLICK went the sound of my buckle. The smoke from the car filled my lungs. Making me cough. I backed up the car almost hitting an ongoing car, “asshole” I screeched to a violent stop while honking my horn. “What does that mean mommy?” I had forgotten that I was speaking badly in front of her. What a great mother I am. I thought. “Oh umm it means that… umm don’t worry about it. Ok?” Silence and the sound of birds chirping could only be heard. I reached out to put on my favorite radio well Ressitti’s favorite radio station. “Oh baby, baby oh” I rolled my eyes in disgust. Knowing that I have to listen to this wanna be singer. I looked in the mirror seeing my little angel moving her little feet to the beat of the song. I giggled at the sight of her. I turned my left turn signal on and waited for my turn. My thoughts were going crazy by now. My voices were bombarding me with hate. The next thing I know I blacked out. One minute I’m watching my baby dancing and enjoying life then the next I’m in a hospital bed. What happened to Ressitti? What happened to me?

It felt like everyone was in slow motion when I awakened form my daze. “Rileigh are you ok?” “Thank God you’re ok” “Talk to us Ri.” Too many voices were everywhere. Suddenly my daze disappeared. I shot right out of bed, almost falling to the ground. There I saw people surrounding me invading my precious space that I needed. Bears and flowers were in every corner welcoming me from an event that I had and didn’t know about.

FLASHBACK
“Come on babe, it will be fun” my boyfriend Caleb exclaimed. “I don’t know” I sadly said. We were going to an abandoned amusement park. He opened the gate SCREECH “Ow” I covered my ears. “Sorry” he replied. A cold dust of wind shot at me making me blink rapidly. Caleb ran right past me making me fall to the ground in the dirt. “Caleb” I yelled loud enough so he could hear me. I walked past three cotton candy mixers and one roller coaster with half of it was vanished from sight. “God damn…” I paused. Rose pedals caught my eye. They were followed by other pedals by a tent. “Caleb…” I walked in carefully like a mouse on wood not trying to make a sound. Lights streamed the walls of the tent, pedals blew in the wind when I opened the pale curtain. Pink and red. Such beautiful pedals I thought. “Boo!” yelled Caleb I screeched almost having a heart attack. He was holding his side of laughter. Making me giggle too. “What the hell was that?” “It was supposed to be a surprise” he chuckled. It was breathtaking, I couldn’t handle myself my mouth was down of shock almost drooling. He clung himself to me and wrapped his arms around my waist causing butterflies to crawl up my stomach it sent chills down my spine. “You like it?” he said kissing my cheek gently. “Yes, it’s, it’s… beautiful” I softly whispered.

FLASHBACK OVER
“Where’s Ressitti?” I yelped. The only thing I wanted to see was my baby safe and sound. Protected by the beat of my heart. “Rileigh” yelled everyone except Caleb. He was looking down kicking dust bunnies and seemed deep into thought. What was wrong with him? I thought. “Where’s Ressitti”? I repeated to myself. I bit my lip hoping for answers. Only sadness appeared. “No, this…” I ripped the cords out of my wrist making blood drip down to my toes. I ran down the hallway falling and tripping over people while I wish this dreadful day never came. I sprinted to the nearest doctor I could find, spreading more blood on the floor and on the doctor. “Where’s…” I was trembling on my words, “The morgue?” He was observing me, up and down in confusion. “Where are you supposed to be?” he questioned “My daughter is dead I…I need to see her” I replied “Did your nurse let you go?” “Yes” I lied “Ok it’s down the hallway to the right” he looked confused he should be because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I enter the room where my dead angel is lying there breathless. From an accident I don’t even remember. Why can’t I remember? I put my trembling hands on the cold table. The coldness of the table made me shiver. I saw I human form lying there. Deathless. No sounds of movement. Death took my beautiful angel and a part of me with her. I lifted the sheet of the small body and saw Ressitti I saw the one part of me that was keeping me here. Dead. I lost it all at that moment I cried until there was nothing left, but a pool of tear and our memories.
“Hello?” I heard a voice in the doorway. I was lying on the floor of grief. I didn’t move or say anything to whoever was there in the distance. “Hello, Rileigh are you there? The voice sounded familiar, but all I got out of my mouth was a whimper of pain and sorrow. “Oh Rileigh I’m sorry about this we can get through this together” stated Caleb. He sounded sad, but disappointed to see me. “I…I know” I whispered. He walked over to me squatting down to sit next to me. His cologne bombarded me with his scent. My favorite smell was his cologne. It makes me drool. He wore the same scent on our first date, maybe that’s why I liked it so much. He wrapped his arm around me and prompted me on his lap. I curled up to his chest for comfort. I was still in my gown, blood still on it. He didn’t seem to care. “I want you to know that I still love you” “still?” I stuttered “Yea after what happened I thought about it and I still want to be with you” “What are you talking about Caleb?” “You don’t remember what happened? You should of it was your fault, Rileigh.”

“What are you talking about?” I looked into his enchanting eyes and worried for what I have done. I crawled of his chest and stood up, toppling over a couple of steps, but balancing myself in the steps I took to my daughter. Tearing up while seeing her. “You really don’t remember?” he questioned curiously. “No really don’t, tell me” I replied “Ok well there’s a video of you losing control on purpose killing Ressitti on impact” I tried remembering what had happened but I couldn’t state the obvious.

FLASHBACK
“Hey!” yelped Kayleigh “Whoa you don’t have to yell” I chuckled. “I got you something” she said while twisting her hips. She handed me the wrapped gift with trees and ribbon all over it. Making me barf at the sight of it. Too girly for me, but it’s the thought that counts. “Hurry up and unwrap it” she yelped once again, hurting my ears. I took my time unwrapping the gift, a splatter of ribbon fall to the ground. I looked up at her gorgeous brown eyes. I rolled my eyes to break the silence, she bit her lip and looked down at the gift. I opened the box to a necklace that had half a heart that said other.

FLASHBACK OVER
I looked at my necklace on my chest. The light glistened on the diamond making it spark. “Where’s Kayleigh?” “Wait what?” “Kayleigh, is she here?” “Uh ok well she’s in the waiting room” “Why?” he questioned “Just wondering” I paused and sighed with a tear rolling down my face. Dripping down my chin to my bloody gown. He wiped my tears. Slowly leaning me in for a kiss. It was passionate, but it wasn’t the same. Hopefully it will be the same when this nightmare ends.

I layed down on the hospital bed filled with more bears. Small ones, big ones, even a heart shaped pillow was lying there waiting for me to drown them with my tears caused from the wrenching heartache of the thoughts of never being able to see my baby’s blue eyes again. Know one followed be except Kayleigh. “Hey beautiful” she sympathetically said with a slight sound of grief. “Mmm” is all I could get out. ”I saw the video I know that wasn’t you it was the… other you.” The other me was a schizophrenia freak who’s voices control her. They actually controlled me this time making me kill the only thing that was precious too me. Why do my voices come at the most awful times? If I had a wish I would take my own life before I took my baby’s life. Then neither of us would have to live in this cruel world full of demons we can’t destroy. “Why did it have to be Ressitti?” I asked. “Oh Rileigh I’m sorry” she put her hand on my cheek showing she’s hear for me. “The good thing is, is that you’re going home tomorrow” she yelped trying to make things happy. “Yea” I replied with the sound of sorrow to my voice showing that I’m not over the death of the angel who has gone to heaven.

The next day I awoke from a dream. If only dreams could come true. “You ready to go Rileigh?” my nurse came in cheerfully with my clothes. “Uh yea” I just folded my last pair of shirts. Well my only shirt I had and four fuzzy pants. Ressitti and I have an obsession with fuzzy pants. We used to when everything was normal. My nurse came over and put her cold wrinkled hand on my shoulder while she said “It’s not your fault this kind of things happen all the time” “What kill your daughter uncontrollably?” “Pretty much this generation is messed up” “So your calling me messed up?” “No” she paused I know she was lying. I mean this generation is messed up in so many ways, so I had to become part of it and kill my own daughter. The nurse left and led Kayleigh and Caleb. Hand and hand they helped me up and carried my bags out. I was glad to be out of that hell hole. I hate being in the room that I discovered that my daughter would be gone forever.

I looked out the window of the car and saw birds migrating south to get away from the cold. Trees covered the grass, flowers bloomed from every corner it looked beautiful. Purple violets and blue bonnents mixed together in the scenery. Turns and turns till I finally got to my house that I only live in. “Bye baby, I got to go to work” he kissed my forehead and pulled me in for a tight hug. Making me shiver. “I love you” I lightly said “Love you too” he said smiling with his dimples showing. “Bye sweetie” Kayleigh said with a tight hug to go with it. And of they go leaving me in the dust of my sorrow.

Why can’t life be fair? Why can’t life be schizophrenia free? Just why? This generation is messed up like me. Suicide seems like the only answer right now. Be free in heaven with my little girl.
So if I told you a secret would you keep it?