October 23, 2013
It was the night of Halloween, and all the stores that carried costumes were filled to the brim with people who searched desperately for a last minute costume. The young and old would dress with glee hoping to enjoy a night that would be filled with screams. As I would wait for my next victim, people would gather around a coffin to see what was inside. As someone would open the coffin I would sit up carefully and slow. With blood dripping down one side of my face I gave them a horrendous scare. They would laugh after of course glad I wasn’t really dead, or so they thought, but some would stay after the scare. They would ask my name and for my number but I didn’t give it to them for they would be dead in seconds. As the last of the children ran away from me and my coffin I went to work on making my meal. It would be a wondrous feast to say the least. Most likely the biggest meal I have ever had in one town. Many though would die tonight unsuspecting victims as I call them. It was midnight and there had been a string of missing people reports near one area. There were few witnesses but the ones who had been questioned all foretold of a girl coming out of a coffin near a cemetery as a prank but when the coffin closed the people who stayed behind had vanished. When the police when’t to check the coffin nothing was there but a note
that read “Happy Halloween.” And when the officer reached to pick up the note for evidence a door opened in the bottom of the coffin revealing the victims all of them guys with lipstick marks on the side of their neck like a kiss, but they were dead. Their blood drained from their body like a capri sun that was sucked dry by a thirsty child. Each victim though had been in prison for the murder of the same girl. The girl’s name was Annette Smith, she was 16 when she was killed, and had been walking home from school when a group of guys attacked her. The guys were quickly identified and sentenced to 20 years in prison, but when their sentence was over they got put on probation. The police knew they were in town but they didn’t think they were that close to where the attack had happened. After they investigated some more they began to realize that where the coffin was were the girl had been murdered. Some of the officers began to get skittish thinking it was ghost while others said it was a few teenagers playing a nasty trick. As the officers began to argue amongst themselves a girl appeared in front of the coffin and laughed.
“ Ma’am this is police business. Someone as young as you shouldn’t be looking at a coffin like that.” an officer told her.
“ Oh, I’m sorry I’ll just be off then.” the girl turned around and smiled at them then walked away and disappeared into fog.
When the girl had smiled one of the officers noticed the girl looked familiar but had discarded it. The girl they had seen couldn’t have Annette Smith, she had died a few years back. Or did she?

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This article has 8 comments. Post your own now!

alright said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:38 pm
You should of revised it at first. It lacks at the top but overal is pretty good
SubmitChannelAvatar said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:28 pm
I enjoyed your story but there is always room for improvement. First and foremost, your structure is a bit odd. It may be that you intended it to be a single, massive paragraph but I could not find a reason as to why you would structure your writing in this manner. Second, the character development could be better, perhaps more foreshadowing or hints that would allow the reader to be able to know that she had something happen to her. Work on your metaphores to make them more appealing and seriou... (more »)
_tuhhmaraa said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:27 pm
Woah! I really like the ending!
StarlingFoxx said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:19 pm
I like the eery and spooky feel of this story. I think it started off very well, but the end was lacking in comparison to the start of the story. I think you could have revised this a few more times before posting it, your overall diction could have been improved, and there were a few gramatical errors i noticed. Overall, it was a great story with a few minor and easily correctable mistakes. 
grendel said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 12:16 pm
Good job, next time you should build up the suspense some more and add better transitions from scene to scene.
TaylorG. said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 11:55 am
What a nice story, nice setting too. Next tiime you should have someone revise it if you haven't already,  I see that you are missing a couple of words.
JulianaSanchez said...
Oct. 30, 2013 at 11:53 am
I liked the ending because it makes it mysterious. But honestly you had some errors that needed to be fixed. And it took so long to get to the actual point of the story. And the end wasn't as satisfying as I thought it was going to be. A little disappointed but I still like it. GR8 JOB HOMEGIRLLLL
Alberto M. said...
Oct. 29, 2013 at 9:02 pm
it was a good story i got scared while rading at my house by myslef
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