Sometimes there is this sound that rings in one ear. It starts quiet and then it starts pounding my head, and sometimes I fall over and watch the imaginary stars on my ceiling. My head starts to spin like a carnival ride, and I begin to forget life behind me. The past becomes memories of laughter, the past becomes things I never did. I don’t remember anything, as the noise shrivels inside my head and I gaze up at the illusional starry night. The world blurs and flies far ahead of me, I don’t know where I am or who I am all in that moment. I start to wonder about the soul I have, I start to imagine who I was or who I used to be. Everything is so simply gone in that very moment, it feels amazing. My hands start to shake and so does my mind, the stars above me are a cue to roll my eyes back behind my skull. My heart starts to pound hard, but I am not sure if I am dying. Then the worst happens and I start to wake up from the “hallucination” and remember that my name is Nicole.

It’s happened so many times. Every time I try and take my life, it’s like the universe won’t let me. I have tried twenty times, everyday for the past month. It is the same thing. The experience is like an over dose on cocaine, except you can’t remember anything from your whole life. You don’t know anything about anything. Only three simple words that you don’t understand until you wake up, let me leave.