Detective Finn and the Murder at the Mansion

September 13, 2012
By Detective_Finn SILVER, Houston, Texas
Detective_Finn SILVER, Houston, Texas
9 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
A great day starts with the thought of having one. Joseph Dixon

Nile Dixon
September 12, 2012
Detective Finn
And the Murder at the Mansion
Detective Finn got out of his car in awe as he stared at the large mansion. Without all of the police cars, ambulances, and media vans, this would have been a very nice place to live in. But he knew he was not here to visit. He was here to find out the murder of someone. “Hey, over here,” Officer Jenkins called, “I’ll take you to the living room.” Officer Jenkins said as he escorted Sherman into the building. “Hey, what happened here?” Detective Finn asked. “Kevin Lee Harper. Age 25. Died of blunt trauma. Multiple wounds to the chest. No signs of struggle.” Officer Jenkins said. “Can you show me the suspects?” Detective Finn asked. Officer Jenkins nodded his head as he brought Finn into a large library. Sitting on the couch, were the three suspects. One suspect was a man name Jerry Barnes. He was 5’ 3” and had jerry curls. He was a famous baseball player. The suspect in the middle was named Baldwin Lewis. He was bald, 6’ 3”, and played basketball. The last suspect was named Locker J Humphrey. He had dread locks, was 5’ 11”, and played football. They were all rather nervous. In fact, Jerry was biting his nails, Baldwin was scratching his head, and Locker was, surprisingly, sucking his thumb. “Man, I need to go.” Baldwin said, scratching his head ferociously. “Yeah, me too.” Jerry said. “I got to go.” Locker mumbled with his thumb in his mouth. “Can you take me to where the body is?” Finn asked. Jenkins nodded as he walked him to the back of the back of the library. He started to examine the body. “It looks like he was beaten by a cylindrical object. Possibly a baseball bat.” Finn said. He turns his head and sees a baseball bat splattered with blood in the corner. “Well, that could mean Jerry killed Kevin.” Officer Jenkins said. “Not necessarily.” Finn replied. As he looked closer, he saw a large tuft of hair. It looked like Jerry’s jerry curls. “You still don’t think Jerry did it?” Jenkins asked. “Nope,” Finn replied, “In fact, I think he is innocent. This hair is synthetic.” “So, that means the dude wears weave.” Jenkins replied. “I don’t think so.” Finn said as he peered on the hair a lot longer. It emitted a white powder. He decided to put down the hair. Suddenly, his fingertips started to itch. Then it dawned on him. “I know who murdered Kevin.” Detective Finn said. He turned around and looked at Jerry and Locker still sitting on the couch. “Where is Baldwin?” Finn asked. “He just left. He had an allergic reaction with sores on his head.” Jerry said. “No, wait, we must catch him. He is the murderer. He tried to frame the murder on Jerry by using his bat and using a wig with jerry curls. But then, he put itching powder in the wig so it can look like he had an allergic reaction to something he ate. He would then try to get away claiming he is sick, but he is well. We must catch him.” Finn said, frantically. “Two steps ahead of you. I already caught him.” Jenkins replied. Finn smiled. All in a day’s work.

Similar Articles


This article has 2 comments.

on Nov. 9 2012 at 8:04 pm
Detective_Finn SILVER, Houston, Texas
9 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
A great day starts with the thought of having one. Joseph Dixon

thanks for the feedback

CammyS SILVER said...
on Nov. 9 2012 at 7:50 am
CammyS SILVER, Papillion, Nebraska
5 articles 0 photos 188 comments

Favorite Quote:
No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft.
H. G. Wells
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Mark Twain

I like the story, and the reasoning behind Finn's capturing Baldwin (hah! pun!) was sound, but there are a couple things you can fix. One: Divide up the story into paragraphs. It's a little hard to follow when it's all one big mess. A good place to paragraph is after one person says something and another person is going to reply/speak. Two: There are a couple grammer/spelling errors: dread locks ect. But those are an easy fix Three: The dialouge seems kinda stiff, like not real people are actually talking. One fix you could do is give each character a different tone, if you're following me. Like make Finn speak really formally, if he really cares about his job, or talk in slang/normally if he's a laid-back dude. You know what I mean? Four: I thought it was kinda weird that Jenkins had already caught Baldwin at the end. Hope this helps!


MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!