i wake up and its dark. an unfamiliar smothering dark. the thunder i heard in my dreams, the thunder that woke me, vibrates the walls and the couch that im laying on. the small trailer that i've lived in most my life is hot and stuffy. the summer-time storm kicked out our power so the a/c had been off for a few hours. i sit up in the black hole of a living room and look in the direction of the opposite wall. i see the couch that my mother is asleep on in my minds eye. i get up and walk past the sofa, out the door adjecent to it. the old deck outside is swollen with rain water and has that familliar smell of wet wood. it feels squishy and cold under my bare feet. the breeze dances across my back and chest, sending a chill down my spine. i look in the distance to the storm that had just passed over. the lighting providing the blacked out valley with a second of light whenever it feels like the valley under deserves the brief glimpse of natures raw beauty. i reach under te deck step and find the oddly shaped glass pipe that has gotten me high so many times. i stand on this deck, watching the passing show, smoking the nights weed, and feeling free. Then, i wake up and its dark..
"AARON."

mmmph. its morning. i hear the news on and my mother barking at me to get up and shower. i look out from under the blanket at the digital clock that ive check my entire life. 5:30. f***. my legs feel like rubber trying to get down the hall into the bathroom. i lock the shut door behind me once i get to the other end of the hall. i shower with the light off. its like an extra 20 minutes if sleep. the clock radio is blasting on the bathroom counter. the morning Djs forced enthusiasm is the first thing of many to irritate me today. i scrub yesturdays grime off of me and let the water run through my hair and down my body. i go through the rest of my morning routine in a blur. then, its dark. and i wake up.

im walking into my high school. how did i get here? where did all that time go? i hear the first bell ring and my worries change. my homework for first period is due today and still in my backpack in the pocket i put in before the weekend. i see all these faces. theyre just people. they're all so far away. i've never been good at relationships. any relationship. friends, girlfriends, family. i always push myself away somehow. even in this group of people, i'm alone. the 30 second walk to my frist class feels like an eternity. i look at the people around me. the students are poor facsmiles of thier role models and parents. the teachers are over-caring and easily manipulated. i sleep through most the day. drifting in and out of my mind and class. back and forth. zoned out. before i know it, its lunch. not my lunch. i have last lunch of the day assigned but i go to first. f*** that waiting around s***. i vaugley remember eating. i remember it like a dream. the gross burger and stale fries. i finish eating and dump my plate. then, its dark. and i wake up

the final bell. loud and ringing my head. i lift my head off my desk and look at the clock. 2:30 time leave my last class of the day. science. the teacher a short mexican with a height complex. thinks he's authority. i see him looking at me from the corner of my eye and can tell he's gunna tell me something.
"Aar..."

i cut him off by walking past him and out the door without even making eye contact. making people feel as insignificant as i do. thats what im best at. i walk through the hallway and out the door that takes me outside. i wander on my way to the forest. an abandoned empty lot thats been overgrown with trees. its a hotspot for the local homeless drunks and drug additcs. i walk across the humid grassy feild to the road that takes me to the forest. i approach the tall wall of trees and enter the wilderness of the city. i walk through and find a secluded spot to spark up. puffing away at my joint in a dark corner of the forest. this is my life.. a kid about 13 comes through the path i just did and sits on a fallen tree. he must not see me. he finishes the soda he was carrying and quickly crafts it into a homemade smoking utensil with a pocket knife. he dumps some brown crumby bud onto the screen and start toking up. his weed looks like he found it in an ashtray. laced with hair and lint. this kid is taking his hits like its the last time he's ever gunna smoke. savoring every hit like a breath of god. i watch this kid smoke the rest of his weed and wander off to finish his day. everything goes black, and i wake up.

im on the couch. laying down. ugh, what time is it? 9:30. where did all that f***ing time go?! whats going on in my head?! this is serious. i need to tell mom.
"mom, mom!"
"what?! what is it?!"
"i keep blacking out! i lose time and show up in places and dont know how i got there!"
"what?! what do you mean?! are you getting high?! whats the matter with you!?"
"i.. i'm sorry.."

Then, i wake up. And its dark. An unfamiliar. Smothering. Dark.